Witch for Hire

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Witch for Hire by Ted Naifeh

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Bullying/Cyberbullying, Suicide and Self-Harm, Mental Health, Abuse 

shy_shelbi has 2.3 million followers on social media. She will help you #transform your life and leave weakness behind to become the best version of you. Just check out all the before-and-after pictures! It’s easy and you can meet other people who #selfactualized through her 5-step program. Step 1: I’m not here to make friends. 

Ah, High School. Mean Girls, jocks, theatre kids, goths, science nerds and the losers; everyone has a place. Cody Spooner, however, doesn’t yet. At lunch, her older sister Bryce rejects her in the worst way. Bryce and her friend Drew mock and belittle Cody before telling her to get lost, sending her to the only free seat in the cafeteria at the losers table. 

The losers table is intimidating. Faye Faulkner, permanent resident at the losers table and wearer of a signature fancy witch-style hat, offers Cody a homemade cookie. Could they be made with eye of newt? Toe of frog? No, just a little orange zest is what makes them delicious! They pair well with the milk boxes she’s brought for everyone too. 

Faye introduces everyone to Cody and reassures her that despite what her sister has said, the loser table is not cursed and many who started eating lunch at that table have risen to the highest levels of the High School hierarchy. As they walk to class, they see that Faye’s locker has SATAN'S LITTLE HELPER graffitied in red on it. Original (not). Faye couldn’t care less. 

At dinner that night at the Spooner house, Bryce desperately tries to talk to her father, but he's ignoring her for the most part, taking an “all important business meeting” phone call, coming across like a Temu mafia boss. He stops talking when, in answer to her mom's question about making friends her first day, Cody says she’s got one kinda cool friend, Faye Faulkner. Bryce makes some derogatory remarks and gestures about Faye, but her father actually stopping his call to tell her to keep away from Faye because she’s a trouble maker is startling. The whole conversation gets very nasty and then Bryce shouts personal attacks at her mom because of her mental health. Bryce is a garbage person. 

At lunch the next day, Cody asks about Faye’s hat. Yes she wears it every day, no she won’t stop wearing it every day, no she’s not “stuck” at the loser table and it’s certainly not because of her hat. Faye does not want to be friends with anyone who doesn’t respect her hat or judges her for wearing it. The hat is not a costume, it’s who she is and she isn’t giving that up. Cody leaves to cry/eat lunch in the bathroom. Someone in the next stall asks if she is okay and tells her they know a way to change her being a loser. 

The shy_shelbi program, step 2: Sounds like a “you” problem. The cars in the school parking lot have been vandalized, someone has written BUTTS all over them. Garbage Bryce and her Mean Girl friends think it was Faye because she’s angry over the locker graffiti. They plan to jump her after school on the way home in the woods. Cody overhears and tries to warn Faye, but it’s too late, Garbage Bryce and her goons are already here. However, she is not only Garbage Bryce, she’s an idiot and Faye is both smart and a witch. She uses the trees to lead Idiot Garbage Bryce and her goons on a merry chase. Cody watches the whole thing and is gobsmacked. Faye winks at her and tells Cody it’s not a costume. 

As Cody follows Faye, peppering her with questions and disbelief, she also confesses to being the BUTTS vandal. In Faye’s apartment, Cody spills her guts about shy_shelbi, thinking at first it was a joke profile, but the DMs kept coming and the more she ignored them, the worse things got - like someone cutting her mom's brake line and causing her car accident. Cody feels like shy_shelbi is watching her. She wants Faye, with her witchy powers, to help. Faye isn’t a witch for hire, but her friend and mentor Elvira Ledoux always helped even though it led to her being killed by the same people she tried to help. This taught Faye not to stick her nose in other people’s business, because the last lesson she learned was that it’s just not worth it. After Cody leaves, Faye checks out shy_shelbi’s profile. Monkey’s Paw curses over the internet are new, but inevitable.

FLASH BACK! Faye is young and in the kitchen with Elvira Ledoux learning about Curse Creatures and the Monkey’s Paw curse. The victim of the Monkey's Paw curse can’t abandon their wishes because each time they hope the next wish will give them what they want. They’re interrupted then by a neighbor who usually spews hate at Elvira and has tried to run her out of town. This time she’s battered, bruised, and has an arm in a sling and an eye covered in gauze. Her husband is a waste of space abuser and she can’t take it anymore and has come asking Elvira for help. Elvira walks with the neighbor to her home to get her out of this horrible situation because Elvira will always help. FLASH FORWARD! Okay, shy_shelbi, let’s dance. 

The shy_shelbi program, step 3: Don’t @ Me. The school is a hive of gossip about fires in parks and rat poison in cereal boxes at the grocery store, or possibly it was cat food… anyway… In science class, the teacher is performing an experiment that goes slightly awry meaning they need to evacuate. This doesn’t interrupt Faye at all who is deep in thought over the shy_shelbi problem. At homecoming the following day, pictures of Idiot Garbage Bryce’s boyfriend kissing another boy are flashed on the big screen during the crowning. The “pranks” are escalating and Idiot Garbage Bryce still thinks Faye is the culprit. 

Faye has been working out shy_shelbi’s pattern so she can set a trap, and Cody presents the perfect opportunity. shy_shelbi has DMed Cody instructing her to push Faye down the stairs and Faye is perfectly fine with it as it’s obviously shy_shelbi getting revenge for her telling her to stick it. Cody pushes Faye down the stairs and as Faye’s body lands, her spirit is in the crowd of onlookers searching for shy_shelbi. Bingo. A bird-like creature with black pigtails and a distorted human face is watching. shy_shelbi sees Faye’s spirit and bites her arm, however Faye was able to grab a handful of feathers. Just what she needed. 

Homecoming is over and Faye and Cody leave together as Faye explains what just happened. Cody then spots Júlio, the theatre kid at the loser table, walking out in front of an oncoming vehicle. She’s fast enough to push Júlio out of the way, but is hit by the car herself.  Faye picks up Júlio’s phone and sees the monstrous message shy_shelbi sent him, to kill himself. shy_shelbi is perched on the school roof watching this all unfold. 

After some research from books, Faye creates a circle, gathers water in her cat's bowl, a feather from shy_shelbi, a knife and a pencil. These symbolize her power, her will, and her demands for truth. She asks to see the face of her enemy. Nothing shows in the water, but her computer dings with a DM. A picture of her just moments ago and shy_shelbi behind her. There is also a message: loser. Faye starts to argue with the cyber curse creature who responds in DMs. Angry, Faye binds shy_shelbi to the vessel, her laptop. Suddenly shy_shelbi emerges from the laptop filling the room with her wings. The internet is her home and her hunting ground. Everyone is trapped in there with her. Faye closes the laptop and shy_shelbi disappears, but sends her one last message. Faye may have magical protection, but her friends don’t. 

The shy_shelbi program, step 4: Too Blessed to be Stressed. At a school meeting about the shy_shelbi cyberbullying, the faculty and administrators say they are cooperating with police and share frustrations, however Cody and Idiot Garbage Bryce’s father leads the charge against the school, threatening to sue them. Outside after the meeting, Mr. Spooner approaches the principal, blackmailing the principal to get Idiot Garbage Bryce into Harvard. 

The bullying and pranks continue with one girl having UGLY COW painted on her laptop and accusations wildly flying around as to who is responsible. Faye is being told to visit Cody and call her a loser amongst other terrible things. She isn’t going to do that, and takes on board her mom's advice not to be too proud to make friends. Faye goes to visit Cody in the hospital and Júlio is also there, filled with guilt. Faye holds him as he cries and freaks out and lets him know she saw shy_shelbi’s instruction. Faye goes in to see Cody, bruised and swollen, in traction, with a cast on her arm. Júlio follows a few moments later and apologizes with flowers. Cody does not hold Júlio responsible at all. 

Later, Faye has her summoning equipment together, except this time she places shy_shelbi’s feather on the laptop. She demands to see everyone shy_shelbi has touched. It’s a lot. 

The shy_shelbi program, step 5: Alphas Don’t Run in Packs. Faye calls a meeting of those touched by shy_shelbi at the loser table which include Júlio, the explosive science teacher and Idiot Garbage Bryce. Idiot Garbage Bryce refuses to sit at the table. Faye starts by asking what shy_shelbi wanted each of them to do. They find that what may seem like small things had huge consequences on each other, like Júlio being rejected from drama club, made him question his own self worth. Faye decides to show them the curse hanging over them. They hold hands and form a summoning circle and shy_shelbi in her twisted bird form appears. Faye tells them they’re not alone and are in this together, giving them strength. All accept Idiot Garbage Bryce because she didn’t sit down and join them, and therefore saw nothing. Idiot Garbage Bryce tries to belittle the group, but Faye puts her in her place and hints that she knows stuff about Idiot Garbage Bryce that she will happily expose if she doesn't stop the pranks. 

Things start to get better. Júlio is accepted into the drama club, Cody is on the mend, toxic friends are being cut out, the loser table is thrown out. Faye, however, pays a price. Mrs. Faulkner is called to meet the principal because Faye is being held accountable for the cyberbullying and pranks. Another student came forward with the accusation. Faye is being removed from the school while an investigation is carried out. As Faye is getting her things out of her graffitied locker, Idiot Garbage Bryce brags that her father has a lot of pull with the school board. Faye points out that Idiot Garbage Bryce has called her bluff, “but here's the thing about calling someone's bluff, Bryce. You better be damn sure they're bluffing.”

Later, at the Spooner house, as Mr. Spooner is getting the news that Idiot Garbage Bryce has gotten into Harvard, the police come to arrest Idiot Garbage Bryce for cutting the brake line on her mom’s car and nearly killing her, but her dad takes Idiot Garbage Bryce’s side. Her parents are now divorcing. 

Faye tells the still hospitalized Cody who is at first angry Faye meddled and ripped her family apart. Faye is angry right back that she tried to help and break out of her loneliness, but she's also sorry. Then Cody is sorry and then they’re not angry at each other, they’re just friends. Cody hands Faye a gift for the girl who helps others and asks for nothing in return - a box of business cards. Faye Faulkner, Witch for Hire: The Crafte in Your Corner. And yes, there is a fancy witch hat printed on it.