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Please Don't Feed the Vampire


(Please note, this is just one playthrough of this Choose Your Own Adventure book! Read it yourself and see where you end up!)


six ladies wearing black shirts with Fictional Hangover's book logo and the words Episode 300 SuperFan Special holding up their own copies of the book Please Don't Feed the Vampire by R.L. Stine

It's almost Halloween and you have gotten a costume, Vampire in a Can, but your best friend Gabe agrees with you that you look pretty stupid with your little cape, plastic fangs and bite mark tattoo that you found inside. Is there anything else in the can? You look inside and find that there’s a packet that looks like blood, but it comes with a warning to keep away. Do you open it? 


Of course! But you can't open it with your fingers, so you try your teeth and what's inside is delicious! It might actually be blood! And now you're very thirsty, but water doesn't taste good. You need… something else. Maybe the cranberry juice in the fridge! Nope, that's also gross. Suddenly, the light in the room hurts your eyes so you run to your bedroom and close all the blinds. Gabe thinks maybe you're coming down with the flu. You look in the mirror and oh no! You have no reflection! Gabe stands next to you and you really want to drink his blood, but do you? Yes, you’re a vampire! 


Gabe is right there, so you try to bite him, but he runs to the kitchen for a steak. He tries to kill you with a filet mignon, oops, wrong kind of stake there, Gabe, and then he shoves his already-been-chewed bubblegum in your mouth. Once you get unstuck, your head has cleared. Gabe tells you that you have some choices to make. You can go back to the store where you got the costume, you can go to the library and do research about vampires, you can hide in your room and hope everything goes away, or you can just become a vampire.


Even though in real life everyone would probably choose to just become a vampire and/or go to the library and do research, you decide to go back to the store to talk to the shopkeeper. You open the door but ahh! it’s daylight! and you get crispied! You shut the door quickly and wait until it gets dark before you and Gabe go to the store. 


Luckily it’s October and it gets dark early. When you arrive at the store, it’s to find the shopkeeper locking up. He tells you there’s a number to call on the can if you have troubles with the costume, so you rush to the payphone and dial 555-VAMPIRE. The voice on the phone tells you to go to an address on Sanguine Road, but… sanguine means bloody! Do you go?


Nah, Gabe thinks you shouldn’t go, so you decide to go home instead. Maybe the whole vampire thing will just wear off while you sleep. You crawl into bed, snagging your fangs on your covers and fall asleep. The next morning, you don’t hear the phone ringing or your mom telling you that Gabe has called with an idea for a cure. You also don’t realize that she opens up the blinds to let the sun shine in on you to wake you up. She throws back the covers and… oh no. You get burned to a crisp in the bright rays of sunlight because it didn’t just wear off while you slept and you’re still a vampire. Well… a dead one now. Whomp whomp!!


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