Bored Gay Werewolf

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Bored Gay Werewolf by Tony Santorella

Brian is hungover with vague memories of the night before. He’s in bed alone and his apartment is a mess, but that’s nothing new. Following last night's clothes to his stinky jeans, Brian gets ready while checking his phone. There are loads of messages from Nik and Darby after he left them last night. You would think someone who has monthly needs wouldn’t be caught out, and yet… Thankfully, he doesn't think anything bad has happened this time, let’s not talk about the guy in the park last month…

Brian has been a werewolf for a couple of years now, he was turned during his second year of college. He decided to “take a break” after his turning which he has never actually stopped taking. He went back home and did nothing except sneaking out for weed and Grindr hookups. So used to keeping secrets, he also kept his being a werewolf from his parents so when he was confronted by his mom when he came home in the early hours of the morning after spending the night furry, they argued and she didn’t believe him. Eventually they just stopped talking and his parents didn’t protest when he moved to the city. 

Brian is showering when he notices huge claw marks on his ribs, but he’s running late for work so doesn’t have time to think about it. Brian is a server at Romanesco, a restaurant with regular customers and laminated menus with serviceable classics. His friend Nik hands him a drink to help his hangover as Brian is looking at a newspaper article about another animal attack of a jogger in the park. Oops? Darby, his other friend, wanders over to see who Brian left with and doesn’t fully believe him when he says “no one.” They chat about Darby’s type and they point out a gentleman in a fancy three-piece suit with handlebar mustache and horn-rimmed glasses who comes in and sits on a barstool. 

Another guy came in right before the dandy gentleman and asked for a table in Brian’s section, so Nik and Darby assume he's the “no one” from the night before. This guy is a blond, clean-cut, thirty-something dressed in a gingham shirt, fleece vest and khakis. They joke that that guy seems too straight-laced to be Brian's type. Brian sniffs him but doesn’t pick up anything in particular. The stranger introduces himself as Tyler and is chatty. Ugggh. He says something vague about not getting a full eight hours sleep the night before, heavily implying something. Did they have sex?! 

No. When Tyler points to the murder of a jogger in the newspaper, Brian realizes he’s a werewolf too and they met the night before. Tyler wants to extend Brian an invitation to join his new initiative, a group of like-minded werewolves. Brian declines, though he is amazed there are more werewolves in the city, and Tyler leaves after giving Brian his business card. 

Tyler’s business card is the only thing on Brian’s fridge and it’s been sitting there a week. Since becoming a werewolf and dropping out of school he’s become lazy, even throwing himself in front of cars to score a free ride home from a guilt riddled driver. He does cave in and calls Tyler on his day off work and they arrange to meet the next afternoon at Romanesco. At first, Tyler sounds like a pretentious dick saying he’s an entrepreneur, a philosopher, a searcher, a life-long learner, a coach and mentor, a writer, some could say an influencer, but never werewolf because he doesn’t let the wolf define him. Tyler then gives more specific details from his ideal, silver-spoon childhood and his professional pitch. Tyler talks a lot but lacks substance and Brian stops listening. 

Eventually they get to Brian’s werewolf origin story. He hit an old lady with a car and she put a blood curse on him. He was never bitten. Tyler gives a twenty-minute hero tale of fifteen year old Tyler versus a werewolf with only a Swiss Army knife and bodies of his friends scattering the landscape. Then Tyler starts his sales pitch using words like harnessing power, synergies, and affirmations (If you look in a dictionary, you’ll see Tyler’s picture under eyeroll.). Brian decides this simply won’t work, but then Tyler mentions belonging somewhere which catches Brian’s attention. Tyler sounds like a dude bro asshole but Brian is bored and needs something to do on his days off so he agrees to join the “support group.” Tyler gives him some exercises and daily mantras and they arrange to meet next week. When Tyler is gone, Brian heads over to Nik to chat and they watch Darby flirt with Abe, the dandy gentleman from earlier who runs the flower shop down the street.

Brian and Darby are huddled on a bench outside Romanesco, Brian thinking about controlling the murderous impulses of his monthly beast and Darby bitching about customers. When Nik finally comes out they head to a bar. While Darby belts out songs on the microphone, Brian and Nik talk origin stories and what’s next. Nik empathizes with the (unironic) lone wolf vibe Brian gives. Darby swaps with Nik and tells Brian about their bardic ambitions and how they don't make plans, they make options and pursue experiences, nodding to Nik who is screeching into the microphone. 

Brian starts to exercise and what starts the cringy daily mantras. After a week he meets Tyler at the restaurant and has to admit they seem to work and will keep doing them. Over the past week, Tyler was following a potential other werewolf and starts with the corporate speak again, even proposing to name it The Pack^TM. They talk about how killing people is “bad for their image,” and while Brian doesn’t want to murder unsuspecting joggers, he really prefers to just get drunk with Nik and Darby, leave in a hurry when he can feel the change starting, black out when he goes furry and wake up to new notifications of an animal mauling. Oops? Though Tyler can afford a dungeon to lock himself up in, Brian cannot, which leads Tyler to remarking how difficult Brian must find it, not marking all the customers who are dickheads. Turns out Brian knows nothing about what that is. Tyler explains it's a subconscious reaction to someone pissing them off. They mark them and, in wolf form, chase them down to viciously maul them. Oooh, that could explain a few things. They arrange to meet next Thursday when it’s full moon at Tyler’s house. Brian did not realize it’s so soon to full moon. After his shift, Brian does some research on animal attacks and it seems he’s marked quite a few people. Oof. 

Brian has redoubled his efforts since last meeting Tyler. He watches the TED Talks, exercises, does the mantras, and is now taking up his offer of one-on-one coaching at Tyler’s pretentious-looking home. After stealing some guest bathroom toiletries, Brian heads to Tyler’s huge workout space. Brian is exhausted from Tyler’s workout, he can’t believe he does this every month! No Brian, Tyler does it every day. After some chat about The Pack^TM web domains and cross-brand consistency, it’s time for meditation. As Brian heads home, he realizes he feels much better and more focused, even his transition is better, and he spends the night as a wolf in control of himself. 

Three months later, Brian is a convert. He’s regularly working out at Tyler’s house and his wolf senses are being tested and getting better in his human form. He’s even getting optimistic. Brian stops going to the bar with Nik and Darby, finding it easier not to be drunk or hungover for his workout sessions, but doesn’t like that flower shop Abe has taken his place. Brian’s training has broadened too as Tyler is trying to get him back into school and to rebuild his relationship with his parents. All important cogs to be successful in The Pack^TM. They watch many, many TED Talks and have very business-like conversations about infographics, optics, and decision trees. They roleplay situations that would normally get Brian’s back up and cause him to potentially mark someone. Some of this training is affecting work. Obviously assertiveness doesn’t translate to being a server and it turns into defiance and Brian generally being an asshole, so much so that Nik has to write him up after he earns the restaurant one-star Yelp reviews and denies someone’s allergy is real. 

It’s now summer and ridiculously hot in the restaurant. It’s also Tyler’s birthday and he’s having a party, which Brian doesn’t mention to Darby and Nik who he’s been neglecting more and more for Tyler. The party is filled with dude bros and pick me girls. Brian also meets Mark, another werewolf Tyler has been working with and has known for years since they were roommates back in college. Mark says he was turned a year after college on a buddy fishing trip with Tyler. He woke up with Tyler tending his wounds, apparently a werewolf attacked him and Tyler fought him off. After a line of coke in the bathroom, Tyler is tackled by a random blonde, Sarah, Tyler’s girlfriend of ten years who he has never mentioned once but she seems to think he talks about all the time. He is high, she is drunk, and they end up talking for hours on the patio until the party winds down. As talk turns to their annual camping trip, Brian tries to make his exit. Nature is not his thing, though Tyler encourages him to come. 

Darby reminds Brian it’s the opening of their play and he promised to come, he’s distracted with resentment toward Abe for inserting himself in their group and “ruining the dynamics.” The fact Brian barely goes out with Darby and Nik anymore seems to have slipped his mind. Speaking of inserting himself, Mark has joined Brian and Tyler’s one-on-ones. Training has gotten more aggressive with insults and cutting comments being hurled and gladiatorial style combat. It's not motivating. Neither is the casual misogyny. Brian is also getting frustrated by the fact that The Pack^TM’s launch keeps being pushed back especially as he’s pouring his own cash into it. 

Brian heads to Nik’s, they’re going to Darby’s opening night together. Abe is already at the theatre and Nik calls Brian out about his constant digs at him. This makes Brian think until the show starts.  After an outstanding performance, Brian looks around and he sees regulars from the restaurant who have come out to support Darby, they’ve built a genuine connection with these people and it’s not just for tips. Again, this makes Brian think. As they wait at the bar, Nik raises the changes she’s seen in Brian, the health kick and all is great, but his attitude has changed and he's turned into a jerk and a bully, that’s not him and she blames hanging out with Tyler as the cause. As Brian is contemplating telling her about his monthly furry cycle, Darby comes up to them dressed in a robe and ready for their adoration. They’re handed a huge bouquet of flowers by Abe and something in them triggers Brian’s olfactory senses and makes him gag, of course Darby and Nik think he's being stupid and childish about Abe’s gift and walk off. On the long walk home alone, Brian calls Tyler and tells him he’s in for the camping trip. 

A few weeks later, Brian calls in sick to go on the outing and it’s unconvincing. He’s also unprepared for camping, but he sleeps naked in the park once a month, so how hard can camping be? Tyler picks Brian up and he and Mark spend the journey in a man-spreading contest in the back seat. Once at the campsite he tries to integrate with the girls as their Gay Best Friend to avoid tent assembly. Day one ends with Brian thinking camping isn’t so bad…

Day two changes his mind. Tyler wakes him at 6am for a hike… and he’s hungover and wearing Chuck Taylors. After hours of walking they reach their destination and the pretty view, then face hours of trekking back to the bottom. Brian is reevaluating his life choices, camping feels like housework with the difficulty level ramped up. He’s definitely a city wolf. In the evening they go on another hike. Uggggh. 

Day three, Brian is desperate to go home and for Sarah to stop pestering him about Tyler, being fake in her allyship, and her intrusive questions and insinuations about his sex life. Brian turns in early and is woken up at stupid o’clock by Tyler for a private hike with Mark. When they stop, it’s another training exercise where they throw each other into trees and beat the shit out of each other. Once bloody, Tyler talks about expansion and recruitment. As “their alpha” he demands they find two new people or make them. Woah, this is sounding like a hyper-toxic-masculine murderous pyramid scheme, not a pack. That night, Mark comes to Brian’s tent. Brian calls Mark out for not backing him up calling out Tyler’s insanity, but Mark doesn’t really see the problem. What Mark wants is sex with Brian. It’s a terrible idea, but they do it anyway. 

Finally, Brian is home to his microwave, mattress, and shower. In his bathroom, he sees the mantra flash cards which makes him roll his eyes. One, however, It's not what we have in our life, but who we have in our life that matters - J. M. Laurence, is in the same card stock as Nik’s study notes. Brian regularly helps her with her nursing studies and recognizes it straight away. He heads to Nik’s apartment and she tells Brian he looks like shit and gets the first aid kit. As Nik tends his wounds, Brian lets everything come out about Tyler, except the whole werewolf thing. At his first shift back, Brian tries to talk to Darby, but they don’t want to talk to him. At the end of the night, he’s able to apologize about his attitude to Abe, being dismissive about their achievements, and just not being present. They reconcile with Brian making pinky promises about how he’s going to do better. 

After a week, Brian is feeling better, he’s kept up with what worked from Tyler’s training like reducing drinking, morning runs, and nightly meditation, but has been spending quality time with Darby and Nik. Tyler still tries to contact him on Twitter and calls the restaurant, but he ignores him. Nik and Darby tell Brian he needs to actually tell Tyler “no.” Brian texts and Tyler calls him straight away, so Brian blocks him. 

The next day Brian is heading to work and he can smell Tyler. His scent is concentrated at the restaurant. Tyler is waiting for him. Nik, Darby, and Abe watch on as Brian approaches. Tyler blathers on about masculine energy and toughening up, even mentioning that Mark is making moves on recruitment and how the Harvest Moon tonight is perfect. Brian stops Tyler, calls him out on his bullshit and the (not) coincidence that his best friend got turned on a fishing trip with Tyler and the “big bad alpha” didn’t notice another wolf in the area. Yeah, nah dog. Tyler then resorts to blackmail and how he isn’t opposed to using Daddy’s money to get the tent and camping equipment forensically swabbed and the DNA matched to the dead joggers. 

Brian spends the night lost in his thoughts with Tyler’s ultimatum. He goes out with Darby and Abe, and has an actual conversation with Abe which is really helpful to his current predicament. After spending the night drinking like the old days, Brian wakes up in the park next to Mark's dead body sans an eyeball. Despite the fight wounds on Mark’s body, there doesn’t appear to be an obvious kill mark. Dashing home, Brian tries to remember last night in the drunken haze. He remembers running to the park, then flashes of Tyler’s fancy neighborhood, remembers feeling rage as he transitioned, then Tyler’s house. There was a fight, he got hurt, then the sense he was being watched. After, nothing. 

Spending the day cleaning himself, Brian heads to work where Tyler is waiting for him and accuses him of killing Mark and worse trying to kill him. (Such a good friend. Not.) As Tyler is working himself up into a lather, Nik steps out and tells Tyler to back off, she’s flanked by Darby and Abe. Tyler moves to go, and as he does, he makes pointed remarks in Brian’s friends’ direction about other ways of making him compliant. Oh great. Threats!

It’s twenty-nine and a half days until the next full moon when Brian would expect to be mauled to death in retribution, but Tyler has pulled his friends into it. However, he’s wasted ten days procrastinating. He’s debated the entire time about telling Nik and Darby about being a werewolf, eventually plucking up the courage and asking them to come to his apartment. Their response isn’t expected, “duh” and “Babe, you haven’t exactly been hiding it” before listing all the many, many signs. Brian ugly-cries with the weightlessness. 

After celebratory champagne for Brian coming out of the were-closet, they start to strategize over the “imminent threat on their life” part of the conversation. After several after-hours at the bar / war room, they have a plan. Tyler will come to the restaurant, they barricade themselves inside, Brian will take the lead while Nik and Darby provide support from behind the bar. If things go wrong, Nik and Darby will hide in the walk-in freezer until morning. 

On the night of the full moon, The Romanesco agrees to close the restaurant early for a “deep clean.” Once the restaurant is empty, they prepare the barricade and wait, dancing to hyperpop until Brian makes the change, and he’s cute! Moments later, wolf Tyler arrives and throws himself against the windows until they give and then he’s in the restaurant. The fight is vicious between Brian and Tyler. Darby helps by throwing knives at Tyler and Nik uses vodka from behind the bar, all the while they’re talking to Tyler like he’s a bad dog. Eventually though, they need to retreat to the walk-in freezer when Darby remembers they have a gun in their tote so they sneak back upstairs. Darby fires it as it looks like Tyler is about to swipe. Darby fires off two more bullets, then as Tyler charges them, they hit Tyler between his eyes, blowing his wolfy brains out, leaving a naked dead man on the floor. 

In the morning, Brian wakes on a table in the prep kitchen modestly covered by a hoodie with Nik stitching his wounds. Nik confirms Tyler is dead and Darby is okay and is cleaning upstairs. They toss Tyler into the dumpster wrapped in a mat from the kitchen and get their story straight about vandals for the rest of the mess. As Brian digs out a bullet from the wall, the bullet burns him. It’s made of silver. Abe was the one who gave Darby the gun and bullets. Ohhhh. Speaking of, Abe arrives and ushers them out of the active crime scene.

They follow Abe to his flower shop. When inside, Brian smells the same flower from the bouquet Abe gave Darby the night of their performance which makes him dizzy again, and it unshockingly turns out to be Wolfsbane. Darby takes him out back away from the flower, Nik following and Abe with tea a little while later. Abe explains he’s more a botanist than a florist and that he comes from a long line of investigators and scientists that protect the mythical world and vice versa. It’s the duty of every Van Helsing. Yes, those Van Helsings. 

Abe had received a tip about Tyler. Usually the odd lone wolf isn’t a problem, but Tyler was another matter. He was also aware of Brian, but Brian is harmless, regardless of the joggers of his past. He asked Brian some probing questions when he saw Tyler was turning on him, which caused Brian to go after Tyler. Abe knew where Brian’s loyalties lay and by the time he caught up to him at Tyler’s house fighting Mark, and losing, Abe shot Mark with a silver-tipped arrow. Abe confesses it was an audition of sorts and takes them to a thick wooden door with multiple locks and shows them his secret room. It’s filled with books on science and magic, Abe’s journals, a cork-board with a network of supernaturals linked with red yarn. Time for a career change? Well, this certainly beats the Sunday brunch crowd, so they all accept.