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Lumberjanes: Beware the Kitten Holy

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Lumberjanes: Beware the Kitten Holy created by Noelle Stevenson, Shannon Watters, Grace Ellis and Brooklyn Allen


The Lumberjanes Pledge I solemnly swear to do my best

Every day, and in all that I do,

To be brave and strong,

To be truthful and compassionate,

To be interesting and interested,

To pay attention and question

The world around me,

To think of others first,

To always help and protect my friends,

Then there’s a line about god, or whatever

And to make the world a better place

For Lumberjane scouts

And for everyone else.


Up All Night Badge

Nature is great during the day, but there is even more to experience when the sun goes down. Curiosity and courage are important to a Lumberjane, she wants to test her wits with the elements and experience the possible truths while the rest of the world sleeps. The Up All Night Badge is for the Lumberjane who has conquered the unknown during the day and is ready to explore and “learn what goes bump in the night.”


It’s nighttime and April is wandering the woods in her red cloak and clutching her torch (flashlight?!!). A deer dashes in front of her startling and causing April to drop her torch. As she bends to pick it up there is a dark looming figure with four glowing eyes behind her. Then there is screaming. The figure is actually her friends and fellow Lumberjanes, Mal and Molly. They were exploring the river and only found gross spiders so they came to find her instead. Jo comes along and reminds them this is supposed to be a stealth mission when a loud AAHHOOORR interrupts her. Power pose!


There are many shadows of creatures with three eyes in the trees looking at the Lumberjanes. April screams TO GRANDMOTHER’S HOUSE WE GO! when the demonic foxes attack. Guess they’re doing this. As they make snappy Red Riding Hood quips, the Lumberjanes battle the foxes, but where is Ripley? Riding one and punching it in the eyes. As it POOFs out of existence a gold ring drops to the grass, then as one the foxes howl into the air and words appear Beware the kitten holy. What. The. Junk?! This is all very confusing but they have to worry about decoding the cryptic message later, they need to get back to camp before Jen wakes up.


Together they sneak back to Miss Qiunzella Thiskwin Penniquiqul Thistle Crumpet's Camp for Hardcore Lady Types: Friendship to the max! But they aren’t in the clear. Jen, their Camp Counselor, is awake and catches them. Firing off excuses about a bearwoman and magic foxes gives her a headache so Jen marches them to Rosie, the Camp Director. Rosie is wielding an axe and using it to carve an eagle's foot when they enter. She’s not too bothered about the girls being out at night but being in the woods, that sounds bad.


Sending Jen to get everyone some hot cocoa, Rosie gets the whole story. The girls saw an old woman outside their cabin being super weird and saying a lot of swears they’d never heard before then WOOOOSH she changes into a bear so obviously they followed it, met some foxes they beat up and now they’re here. While the events of the night are being recounted, Ripley, who desperately needs to pee, spots a funny shaped, glowing green jewel in the Director’s bathroom. She’s very intrigued by it, but does she take it? In the main room, Rosie is impressed by the story, asks the girls to recount the Lumberjane pledge, and sends them on their way with a warning that they are going to see some stuff they might not understand over the summer and they should stick together and remember their pledge. Oh! And stop by her table at breakfast for their Up All Night Badges.


Naval Gauging Badge

Lumberjanes can find their way around any situation and recognize the importance of naval abilities to navigate any body of water. A Lumberjane understands the importance of safety and that the wilderness can lull an unsuspecting person into a false sense of security. A Lumberjane will remain ready and able “because drowning is a scary way to go.”


It’s time for the Lumberjanes to prove their seaworthiness so Jen takes them to that cruel mistress, the river. Ripley wants to see a whale or a shark, and Mal is convinced there are monsters everywhere. Jen, already losing her patience, dispels any notions they may have. Before pushing off in their canoes, Jo asks for a final tip. April says, “Yeah, don’t TIP over!” and earns the Pungeon Master badge. Everything is going well until RAPIDS!


Jen orders everyone to head to the shore, but April and Jo are caught in the current. Mal and Molly need to save their pals though Mal is terrified, but Ripley, not one to be left out of the action, dives into the river to help her friends leaving Jen alone in the canoe. Luckily for her, Molly pulls her out of the water just before a river monster attacks. April pulls a scrunchie off her wrist and pings it at the river monster’s middle eye, sending it into a thrashing rage and scaring it off. They all make it to the shore but Mal is being carried by Molly, she was underwater and now isn’t breathing. The friends start to perform CPR but Ripley takes a running jump onto Mal expelling the water. Ripley saves the day! As Molly helps Mal stand, Jo puts another gold ring into her bag.


The canoes are broken so they need to head back to camp on foot. The Lumberjanes are tired and hungry, and then a three-eyed eagle steals their candy bar! Ripley chases the bird to the top of a tree, gets distracted by the spectacular view, and spots a tower by the water. Ripley then crashes back to the ground and finds a cave. There is some debate over whether they should go into the cave, but then Ripley dives straight down so the rest have to follow. At the bottom of the slide down, the Lumberjanes find themselves in a cavern with carved pillars and giant statues.


Everything Under the Sum Badge

A Lumberjane will learn to use math in everyday situations and recognize how math makes the wilderness easier to traverse. Math will help a Lumberjane prepare for any adventure or task and help set her friends up for success because “math leads to a basic understanding of life.”


This is bad. The Lumberjanes can’t go back, the slope they slid down is too steep to climb back up and the hall they’ve landed in is rather creepy and cultish so they can’t stay. The only option is to go further into the tunnel. But who put all this here? Ripley thinks it was the Holy Kitten, Mal thinks it is a weird cult, while April thinks it was probably witches. After traveling through a very dark tunnel, the Lumberjanes enter another chamber with a huge talking statue. Mr. Talking Statue declares none may pass unless the best him in a feat of strength (flex muscles, show the guns). The challenge: arm wrestling. April rolls up her sleeves as she steps forward and proceeds to kick Mr. Talking Statue’s butt by snapping his arm off (try flexing now, hahahahaha), which grants them access through the door.


Jo jinxes the situation by asking what else the weirdo tunnel has in store for them. Molly immediately steps on a trap which causes arrows to shoot at them and another statue, this one with an owl head, a glowing red jewel in its chest, and a giant scythe takes a swing at them. Unfortunately they can’t escape because the door out of this chamber is closed. Mal shouts “Ripley! Fastball special” and then she throws Ripley at the owl statue, knocking it down. Mal grabs the red jewel from the statue’s chest and inserts it in the hole in the door, causing it to open. They dash though as the owl statue (who in the picture has voluptuous bosoms) chases them. Together they run down the tunnel as the door at the end starts to lower. In true Indiana Jones style. Molly loses her coonskin cap and has to reach back under the closing door and rescue it just in the nick of time. Everyone is unscathed, though Mal did get a bruise on her shoulder when she tried to stop the door from squishing Molly.


The Lumberjanes aren’t safe yet, and now they’re in a puzzle room. The floor is made up of intermittent pillars each with a random number or letter on the top. Ripley charges forward and the pillar crumbles beneath her, but luckily April catches her. Jo realizes that it is a Fibonacci sequence and starts jumping along, the rest of the Lumberjanes following in her footsteps. On the other side, the Lumberjanes enter another chamber with nonsensical words carved into the dome ceiling.


Molly takes a quick glance and declares it's a room full of anagrams, with one of the sentences saying “The truth is out there.” With a gasp, Molly grabs April's diary and starts ripping up the page where she wrote BEWARE THE KITTEN HOLY to reveal IN THE TOWER BY THE LAKE. Ripley yells that she saw a tower by the lake and Jo declares they should check it out. But how are they going to escape? The answer is written on the ceiling, and no Ripley it does not mean to pee on some stuff, it’s open sesame! A rope ladder unfurls from the top of the dome and they manage to get back to camp. Rosie and Jen are reporting their disappearance to a Ranger when they burst into the Director's cabin. As they group hug a very upset Jen, Rosie tells them she’s glad they had fun, but their punishment is moose stable duty for a week. Yay?


Robyn Hood Badge

Lumberjanes recognize the benefits of hand-eye coordination. What was once considered a sport can help a Lumberjane develop this skill. A Lumberjane must rely on herself when in nature, not on manufactured items. The skill of archery will be learned within the safety of camp, and with the support of her friends, a Lumberjane will hone her ability and confidence, after all, “a sharp eye shows sharp wit.”


Jen has taken the Lumberjanes on a hike at their behest; however, they are impatient and want to explore the tower and not look at plants in tiny, tiny detail for very long periods of time. Finally, the tower comes into sight but Jen is suspicious of them. Just then, April spots a giant footprint in the grass. Going to investigate, they find a yeti sitting in the foliage (it has giant pink nipples and a very distinguished mustache). When it roars at them, the Lumberjanes run back to Jen, knock into her, and as one tumble over the edge of the hill into some poison ivy. Watching all this is a group of boy scouts. The scouts offer them ointment and cookies back at their camp, Mr. Theodore Tarquin Reginald Lancelot Herman Crumpet's Camp for Boys: Be Watchful, Be Prepared.


At the boys' camp, Jen is overwhelmed by the cleanliness, the tea, the cookies! How does Ned, their scout leader, do it? She must know Ned’s ways! Suddenly, the Camp Director thunders in. He’s a big hairy man with an eye patch and bad attitude, he hates tea, thinks girls are eww and that womenfolk are stupid. After shouting and belittling everyone, he leaves to catch a fish by wrestling it away from a bear. Jo asks one of the scouts, Barney, how they can get to the tower by the lake because they think it could help solve some of the mysteries they’ve encountered. Barney will help distract Jen while the Lumberjanes sneak out. As one, they get up and go to the bathroom. Subtle.


Once outside they spot a group of yetis talking about how gross humans are. One of them was nearly touched by one, ew ew ew! The yetis have been hired to guard the tower, and no they won’t say by who. Thankfully, Ripley brought all the cookies and uses them to bribe the yetis to let them pass. They’ve gained access to the creepy tower, and now, they climb!


The tower is a lighthouse, but instead of a light at the top there is a golden bow and quiver of arrows. Molly has her Robyn Hood Badge so they want her to keep hold of it, and leave a note explaining they borrowed it. Back at the boys' camp, Jen realizes the Lumberjanes have been gone a little too long. While Ned tries to calm her down, something overcomes him and all the other scouts too. They suddenly have glowing white eyes and pointy teeth - they’ve gone rabid! Jen escapes by throwing a bowl of green beads causing the scouts to have to stop and pick them up because they can’t have such a mess.


Meanwhile, the Lumberjanes are making their way back hoping Jen hasn’t noticed they’ve been gone, but then they see Jen running and screaming in their direction followed by the rabid scouts. The Lumberjanes run away, April knocking Barney to the ground. This seems to knock some sense back into him causing him to recognize her, but then April runs after her friends.


The Lumberjanes cross a rope bridge stretched across a ravine. Molly waits on the other side, bow drawn, arrow notched for April to make it across. When she does, Molly lets the arrow fly, slicing through the rope supports and stopping the rabid scouts from following. Jen wants to know what the junk just happened. Jo thinks the scouts were possessed and worries it could happen to them too. Jen realizes that all the monsters the Lumberjanes told her about are real and she didn’t believe them, but now she does and she’s on their side.


Meanwhile, all the rabid scouts are congregated in front of a creepy wooden stage lit by flaming torches. A figure in shadows holds a golden scepter with an all-seeing eye on the top. “You have failed me” he shouts, but not to worry he tells them with a big creepy smile, next time they’ll be prepared.



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