Pizza Witch

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Pizza Witch by Sarah Graley and Stef Purenins

It’s near midnight and Roxy has been creating pizza all night using magic. Her black cat George is urging her to take a break and sleep but Roxy is close to creating the perfect slice. With a FWOOOSHH!!, Roxy holds her best slice ever. However she has work in the morning and despite her claim of being a morning person, she should get some rest. Dozing off mid-slice, Roxy picks up George and tells him her dream is to be the greatest Pizza Witch in all the magical worlds and open a cute little pizza restaurant.

Nearly sleeping in, George wakes Roxy for her shift at the pizza restaurant. Roxy’s parents magic up her breakfast gourmet style because that’s their thing, and encourage her to leave the pizza place and start small with a street cart and work her way up. While that is a route, really she needs to go to Magic Uni. The best way to get into Magic Uni is not through good grades and entry interviews, it’s through adventure and experience and doing quests for the only Pizza Warlock in town until he sends her on a quest for a secret ingredient of her own, duh. 

Flying out the window on her broomstick with George, Roxy takes the scenic route to work. Crashing through the doors of Pizza Warlock, Roxy scares Harriet who sends a massive pile of pizza boxes flying. Roxy tidies up the boxes just before Pizza Warlock Jeremy enters. After copious amounts of bragging and self congratulating his own magnificence, Jeremy sets Roxy a task to find a magical ingredient, Bulba Garlique! They only season for a few more days in the forest caves outside of town. Jeremy hands her a map, her broom and a transportation potion home. Let’s go find some magic!

Roxy and George fly to the cave outside town, George giving Roxy a piece of his mind about the Pizza Warlock sending her on silly odd jobs and teaching her nothing, but Roxy refuses to listen. Inside the cave they find the Bulba Garlique and it is freakin’ adorable and George declares he will protect it with his life. Roxy reassures him that, according to her parents, it’s a mystical essence and not actually alive, and will respawn after she harvests them. They run around harvesting the adorable little things but when the job is done, the ground starts to rumble and a very big and very angry and out for vengeance Mama Garlique emerges from the ground. 

George grabs the transportation potion from the bag which accidentally falls into the giant bitey mouth of sharp pointy teeth. Dang it. Roxy grabs George and jumps into Mama Garlique’s mouth, through the portal and into Pizza Warlock where they are told they harvested Clova Garlique not Bulba. Jeremy throws the herbs into the trash, tells Roxy he’s disappointed in her and makes her do the dishes. Roxy berates herself the whole time. Before heading home, she grabs the Garlique. On the broomstick, George tells Roxy she should quit Pizza Warlock. She doesn’t want to hear it right now, or her parents telling her to come and work for them and their gourmet restaurant or that pizza is yuck. 

In her room, Roxy stress-magics a pizza and uses a Garlique in the recipe. George, who eats the slice, has a transcendent experience. It’s the best pizza ever. Roxy doesn’t believe him but appreciates the compliment. She’s going to stay her course to get the ingredients to go to Magical Uni. In the meantime, she needs to go to bed as Jeremy has texted, Roxy has to get to work early for a secret mission. 

Stupid early the next morning, Roxy and George arrive at Pizza Warlock before Jeremy. They wait and wait and wait. Hours go by and no Pizza Warlock. Jeremy drank too many potions the night before and can’t remember sending the message. This is not the first time. He makes up a random list of mystical ingredients to gather which George sees as the poppycock it is, calls Jeremy out on it, but Roxy accepts with a smile on her face. They are attacked by slime monsters, vicious bats and literal fire but gather the items on the list. Jeremy doesn’t even say thank you as he takes them to make “the sickest sandwich.” The rose tinted glasses are falling from Roxy’s eyes finally and she is seeing the sham that is Jeremy the Pizza Warlock. She's still burning with rage, and literally, at home that night. 

At Pizza Warlock, Harriet tries and fails to tell Jeremy that the restaurant reports aren’t great, and accepts his parents' call on the crystal ball because they fund Jeremy’s entire businesses. His parents, who by appearance look like evil villains with slicked back hair, sharp fashion sense and evil expressions, have a quest for Jeremy to find The Remarkable Oregano. They went to a lot of trouble, crushed dreams and destroyed lives to obtain the map to where it can be harvested. The quest will be long and hard but at the end, it will give them the ingredients for amazing pizza power. Douglas, their little red bird in a witch hat, delivers the map. A few moments later, Roxy comes storming in with a sandwich for Jeremy, a knuckle sandwich! Before she can give it to him, he hands her The Remarkable Oregano map and tells her it’s her quest for the secret ingredient, she’s finally passed all the other tests and now it’s her time. This diffuses Roxy, and George believes the map is real, it’s all glowy and bursting with stuff. Roxy has her quest!! After gathering supplies at home, she initially packs a cake and forks but her parents insist on practical stuff, too, Roxy and George take to the broom and are off. 

The first part of the quest is to obtain a Crystal Tomato which will be needed to defeat the guardian of The Remarkable Oregano. Surprising no one, the Crystal Tomato is in a Crystal cave, and it's high up. George sensibly tells Roxy to get her broom but she’s just packed it away, so instead, she throws George up to it. The Crystal Tomato is very high up and he’s not able to jump back down so Roxy needs her broom regardless. As she’s digging in her bag, a freaking giant crystal dragon appears through a wall. Roxy doesn’t have offensive magic, she has pizza magic, so she uses Habanero hot pizza blast against it and Four Cheese when it eats her to escape. Thankfully the dramatic entrance of the dragon knocked George and the Crystal Tomato down so Roxy scoops them up and they make a dash for it, George having dug the broom out. This quest suddenly feels more dangerous. 

Surviving a crystal dragon is hungry work and Roxy needs more spell ingredients so they stop off at a market where a cute Farm Witch, Demmy, is also shopping. George gives his permission for Roxy to go on a coffee date while he enjoys a nap, however the date turns into a disaster as Roxy brags about taking the Crystal Tomato and fighting the crystal dragon. Turns out there were signs literally EVERYWHERE telling people to keep out of the crystal cave, that it was private property, and that a dragon resided inside. The Crystal Tomato is Demmy’s property and the dragon is her lactose intolerant pet who has had a horrible tummy all night. Demmy starts flinging vegetables at Roxy, and a potato even lands on George’s head. Through some quick thinking and quick footwork, they’re able to snatch Demmy’s wand from her hand and throw it in the lake to escape. 

Flying on the broom, Roxy and George are hungry. Not only did the date epically fail, but Roxy never got any supplies. Thankfully she spots a group of skeletons cooking and asks if they have room for two more. They do! Unfortunately they are making Boney Macaroni and Roxy and George are the bones. They make another quick escape involving bashing and spinning. 

As they’re flying over the forest in their escape, they come across a damsel in distress being attacked by the skeletons for her bones. After more skeleton bashing, Roxy and George rescue Erin, a student studying rare forms of magic. George feels they need to be discreet in their quest, but Roxy tells Erin about everything and invites her along to witness The Remarkable Oregano. Before that though, they eat pizza magicked from foraged ingredients which attracts kitty cats (that can’t talk like George) who snuggle with them as they sleep under the stars. In the morning all the cats are gone. Including George. 

After a search, Roxy and Erin find a very cute little town that is oddly quiet until church bells ring. George has been kidnapped and is being held hostage by the other cats to marry their cat queen. At the right time to make a dramatic entrance, Roxy kicks the church doors open and shouts “I object!” The congregation attacks while the wedding party makes an escape. It’s a difficult fight because the kitties are adorable. Erin has the idea to use Roxy’s cauldron as a battering shield, which works, and feels worse than whacking the cats with her broom. They manage to interrupt the wedding again, Roxy using her pizza magic on the remaining kitties to get George back. They wanted him as he’s another talking cat, a rarity, and wanted him to have talking kitty babies. George is not ready for marriage or fatherhood. 

After flying distractedly for a little while because Roxy is too busy flirting with Erin, George tries to drive the broom but crashes them into the forest. They happen across a bottle with someone inside and even though she’s come across an aggressive crystal dragon, a vengeful farming witch, hungry skeletons, and crappy cats, Roxy opens the bottle. Inside is Minnie, a clumsy soup witch, who invites them to her place for soup and a rest. After they rescue her from the bottle again. Minnie makes pizza soup (is that a thing?) in Roxy’s honour and kicks the sofa open for her guests to sleep on. 

As George sleeps at the foot of the sofa bed, Roxy and Erin have a mini-sleepover. There’s no snacks or movies, just conversation, a little flirting including touching pinky fingers and confessing secrets. Roxy admits she applied to Magic Uni already, got good grades and an interview, but they scoffed at her Pizza Magic so she’s putting everything into her secret ingredient quest. Hours later, Erin is asleep, so Roxy goes outside for some air. Minnie joins her and reads her croutons. WHAT IS ONE IS SOMETIMES TWO! and BEWARE THE EYES THAT WATCH! and DON’T WORRY ABOUT MAGIC UNI! IT’S OVERRATED! but the last one is more because her walls are super thin. The next morning, Roxy, George and Erin head to Competition City. 

A swarm of friendly bees causes the friends to land. The bees give them some delicious honey drinks and they decide to take the scenic route to Competition City and walk. It takes a few days but they see wonderful things and have fun on the way. Typically Competition City holds weekly competition battles, often food based, in fact Jeremy won his at sixteen which Roxy nerds about. The prize for winning is a key, they need that key for the next stage of the quest. The problem is, the prize is a championship belt, though it does have a key on, and it’s for tag team magic wrestling championship. Oh, snap. Roxy, understandably, starts freaking out but Erin gives her the mother of all pep talks and volunteers to be her tag team partner. Together they sign up as Double Pepperoni. After a costume montage, and hanging up in a crystal ball call from Jeremy, they’re in the ring fighting The Lizard Boys. After an extra topping tag team punch Double Pepperoni secures the win; however, this is a Royal Rumble-style match so they have to stay in the ring as the new challengers come in straight away. They’re able to work as a team to win each match, with George in a cute little manager business suit ringside cheering them on. The final tag team opponents are The Big Lads who are indeed big lads. With firepower move, heat setting MAXIMUM, Roxy blasts ROASSSSST! burning them to a crisp (don’t worry there is a potion to fix that) and they take the win and the championship belt! As Roxy and Erin celebrate with a kiss (Yey!), George is whisked away crowd surfing but they meet him in the bar a short while later. They head off on the broom to the next stage of their adventure. Erin rejects a call from Jeremy as they’re flying. 

They reach a tree house and, after a bit of searching, they find a door where the key fits. The tunnel isn’t blue skies, bird houses and hammocks as George imagined, but dirt floors and very unsafe; please see the floor collapsing under Erin falling as she’s about to tell Roxy something. After Roxy and George rescue her, Roxy opens a trap door and lets in a strange mist which hides the entrance of a huge, green, purple-horned, sharp toothed creature who is guardian of The Remarkable Oregano. Roxy used most of her spell ingredients in the tag team matches but has enough left for one big hit which she’ll use to get the secret ingredient from the guardian who is using it to power it up. Using SUPERLONG STUFFED CRUST!!, Roxy is able to lasso the oregano from inside the guardian, dissipating it. As Roxy and Erin hug in celebration, Jeremy pops onto the scene. He throws a coin purse at Erin’s head as he calls her “Dear sister” and then demands The Remarkable Oregano. Roxy is in shock over Erin’s apparent betrayal. Was anything they had real? 

FLASHBACK! One week earlier, Erin flunked out of Magic Uni. She didn’t care about studying, her parents and brother went there so it was the expectation that she would too. She’s sure her parents can throw money at them. Throwing money actually takes some time so her parents instruct Erin to look after Pizza Warlock while Jeremy goes on his quest for The Remarkable Oregano. At the pizza place, Erin finds Jeremy in his office instead of on his quest and does what any good sibling would, tells mom and dad. After the call, Jeremy offers to pay Erin to infiltrate Roxy and George, go on the quest with them, and report back to him, and he'll potion-transport in when they have the oregano. Erin agrees. At first, Erin gave her brother updates, however, she quickly found that she liked Roxy and George and their adventures, and then she started to like-like Roxy. She told Jeremy she wouldn’t spy any more and started rejecting his calls. Now we’re back to the awkward present day and the potential oregano guardian that hasn’t been defeated yet. 

The oregano guardian has reformed and wants The Remarkable Oregano back. The search is on to find it amongst the mist and Erin finds it first. Jeremy snatches it from her hand because he’s mum and dad’s special boy. He tries to use the oregano on his sister, but it doesn’t work except to backfire on him as he’s looking down at the herb and the guardian bashes into him. That’s it. Jeremy pulls his wand out, ready to do some amazing pizza magic, but instead it’s a bit limp… flaccid… completely sad, pathetic and ineffectual. The guardian looks concerned for him, Harriet (who came with Jeremy is angry she works for a man-child) and Roxy realize how much of a not-big deal the Pizza Warlock is and that he relies on his parents’ money to do anything in the world. She slams him with her pizza magic and quits.

George sees on the map that The Remarkable Oregano will only work for the first person who touched it: Erin. Meanwhile, the map is pulling George somewhere and he wanders off. The Guardian is starting to kick Roxy’s butt so Erin steps up. Vines pour out of the oregano toward the guardian, but they are uncontrollable. Roxy digs in her bag for the crystal tomato and uses it to focus the oregano but not before one vine knocks Jeremy out cold. Eventually Roxy and Erin, together, defeat it. The cave starts falling apart, Harriet and Erin grab Jeremy and go through a potion portal, Roxy and George fly out on the broom.

Back at Pizza Warlock, Jeremy is having a hissy fit because he’ll need to tell mommy and daddy he failed. It’s okay, Harriet has already reported his failure to his parents and recommended a change in management at the pizza place. Erin, who is the new keeper of The Remarkable Oregano, heads back home. She misses Roxy but knows she needs to do better and has been inspired by her, so she takes out her cauldron and basic magic book from the back of a closet and gets to work making magic. 

Meanwhile, Roxy has regaled her parents with her adventures and that she quit her job and they are beyond excited! Now Roxy will come and work for them at the gourmet restaurant, but they are willing to give her pizza magic a go. George, when he disappeared in the treehouse following Jeremy’s map, found another magical map that may lead to a second secret ingredient. No time like the present, Roxy and George leave through the window on her broom.