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Vampires Never Say Die

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Vampires Never Say Die from the collection Vampires Never Get Old by Zoraida Córdova and Natalie C. Parker



Brittany Nicolette Fontaine is the Vampire Premier, the most powerful vampire, of New York City, but being an elder immortal is a lonely life, so she starts an Instagram account with only one actual kind of selfie, but lots of cityscapes she tags as selfies. She has three people in her DMs: one, Imogen, another much younger vampire who is more hip to the social media scene, two, Brad, a creeper who is certain he is her soulmate but is definitely not her soulmate, and three, Theolinda, Theo, a human teenager who actually seems to care about Brittany and who has become her best friend. They've never met in real life, though it seems Theo is planning to change that by hosting a party, but Brittany's probably not going to make it.


Theo has planned the best #vampstagram party in a crumbling old basement bar in New York. As she's putting the final touches on, adding battery tea lights to the precariously dangling chandelier and spreading plastic fangs out on the tables, Imogen comes over to check on her. Theo is so glad that Imogen got her invitation even if she looks and acts like one of the bitchiest people Theo's ever met. Theo doesn't have a lot of friends, just one really in real life, but now she's got Brittany and she's planned a surprise vampire-themed birthday party for her. Theo messages Brittany because she's not there yet and more people start to arrive, expecting to see Brittany. The guests are all pale and gorgeous... with sharp teeth and flasks of blood. Oh... Um... Maybe Brittany's vampire comments on Instagram were real...


Brittany, with a feeling of unease or hunger-not-hunger and fantastic eyeliner and berry black lipstick, walks the streets of New York, thinking of all her petits crocs, her little fangs. She doesn't have a lot of rules for them, really only just to not make any more vampires. Her sire, if you can really call him that, was a terrible man, so Brittany has only turned people with extreme thought and care. She turned women who were made to feel weak or useless and gave them the strength they deserved. As she walks, she hears a woman struggling. The woman is able to wrench herself away from her attacker, but Brittany then lures him seductively into an alley. She commands that he not make a sound as she drinks from him, quenching the hunger-not-hunger, and tells him to stop being such an entitled brute. Then she gets a message from Theo on her phone: So ... did I mention this is a surprise party and all your friends are here? Feels important to say that lol. Oh no. Did Theo somehow gather all the vampires in New York for a party?


Yes, yes she did. Theo panics a little in the bathroom, but pulls herself together and returns to the bloodthirsty party guests. They all demand to know where Brittany is and seem to be angry with her, but Theo has no idea. The only thing she knows is that she's got to get out of there. Theo runs across the top of the bat, jumping over the drained human bartender and almost makes it to the exit, but someone grabs her ankle and she falls. As the vampires close in, the door opens and Brittany is there and hisses "Mine!" Imogen pulls a dagger from somewhere up her short skirt and attacks. Theo throws Brittany a hammer and she and Imogen have what looks like a choreographed fight. Someone shouts to grab Theo, but she doesn't want to leave Brittany behind. Brittany swings across the room from the rickety chandelier to rescue Theo, but then the chandelier falls.


Brittany catches Theo and holds her as she bleeds out from being pierced by the chandelier. Theo says, with not much life left, that it's nice to meet Brittany and that she wants to be turned. Brittany says she can't do it because there are rules about not siring new vampires, rules that she herself made! Brittany can't let Theo die and, while Imogen and the rest of the vampires gather around, waiting, Brittany growls at them and then bites into Theo's neck.


A few months later, Theo is still dying, very slowly, but she's staying with Brittany in her penthouse with a literal movie theater inside. Theo is becoming a vampire and will have to convince her parents that she's going to take night classes in college and hide the fact that she no longer casts a reflection and deal with the fact that she's still struggling with drinking blood. Brittany once told Theo that she was lonely, but not anymore! They sit together on the couch, matching glittery blood-filled tumblers in hand, and watch a vampire movie that may or may not be Twilight. Theo misses popcorn and butter and sunlight, but at least she's got her best friend by her side. Forever.




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