Hot Pterodactyl Boyfriend
Check out our episode here! Hot Pterodactyl Boyfriend by Alan Cumyn
Shiels, student body chair, leaves class and sees it, flying through the air. A crow? A really big crow? A really big purplish black crow? She'll have to tell Sheldon. He'll be faceraked about it. (A new term they coined about being shocked.) This thing is weird and they tell each other about all the weird things they see. No, this isn't a crow and it's heading right for Jocelyn, the top runner on the cross country team. It lands and grabs the girl. She holds onto to its, no his chest. His hunky chest. This isn't a creature. It's a new student at the school. His name is Pyke and he's an 18 year old pterodactyl transfer student who has arrived slightly late for his first day of school. Shiels escorts Pyke and Jocelyne to the nurse's office and tells Pyke that he's arrived for his first day of school at the wrong time. This is the end of the day. Come back again tomorrow and be on time because the principal won't stand tardiness. Bossy much? Shiels feels like she needs to keep an eye out for Pyke because the football players have already started bullying him. He's 18 and a freshman? Why did he miss so much school? Fighting mammoths? Ughhhhhhhh. As student body chair, she cannot have that. Sheldon asks Shiels about Pyke and his pterodactylness. They need to figure something out because he's going to be all over the school's social media, Vhub, soon. Sheils doesn't have much to say about Pyke yet. She does have a lot of thoughts about him though… sexy thoughts...
Sheils and Sheldon plan the NCA, the new cultures accommodation, to be presented by the principal first thing the next day to fend off any more bullying and/or the potential discrimination suits against the school that Shiels just knows will happen. Shiels thinks about making out with Sheldon because he's always so helpful and always there for her, but they're not together right now, so she can't. Then she thinks of Pyke and his rippling ebony muscles and his glistening purple fur. She wakes up from a steamy dream and gets ready for school. She's wearing a short skirt and heels and zebra leggings and lipstick and Sheldon in all his doughy weak wienerness doesn't even notice. He can't keep up with her in more ways than one. Shiels talks to the principal but he's also a doughy wienerbag and is content to do nothing about their new student. He wants to keep him off of Facebook and keep all talk about him on Vhub instead. Really? That's it? No NCA? No Facebook? The principal leaves Shiels to break up a commotion which turns out to be Pyke and his girl Jocelyne walking down the hallway together all wrapped up in his wings. Then later, Shiels and Sheldon start a trend on Vhub about keeping all things Pyke a secret, but then he comments.
Even though there's all this pterodactyldom happening, Shiels is still student body chair and has to keep thriving as if a Pterodactyl didn't just start attending her perfect high school. So, in addition to keeping all this in check, she also has to plan the Autumn Whirl Dance and approve the band that will play and decorate and send in her college applications early. She spends a lot of time daydreaming for someone who is so keen to be the top student and the best at everything. But at least she's mostly daydreaming about her college interviews. Who else could say they created a NCA for a Pterodactyl? She also daydreams about Pyke some, too, because of course she does. After school, everyone goes to stare at Pyke and his muscles. I mean, why wouldn't you? At home later, her mother asks about Sheldon. Shiels doesn't care about that flabby wienerbag. He's texting her right now in fact, but she's ignoring his messages. She's thinking too much about Pyke and his purple fur and his beak and his crest. Her mom wants her to break up with Sheldon since she's getting ready to go off to college. You don't want to be tied down!
Sheldon doesn't show up in the morning to pick Shiels up for school and she is super annoyed. She actually spends some time thinking about him now instead of Pyke, but only to describe him as a girl or a chicken. (WHY DOESN'T SHE BREAK UP WITH HIM SHE CLEARLY HATES HIM.) On top of Sheldon not coming to get her, it's also raining and that's also annoying and everyone at school has umbrellas open all over the place. That is not safe! She'd better write a protocol and submit it to the principal. She finally meets up with Sheldon who is upset because Shiels never responded to all his texts which were about Pyke's band that could play at the dance. (He has a band? He just got here!) Sheldon shows her a video of the band playing and Pyke screech-singing and it's mesmerizing, and much more than dance music. Shiels doesn't want to hire his band, simply because it wasn't her idea, but everyone else does. Sheldon says if she had been the one to find Pyke's band, she'd be upset that no one else wanted to hire him. It's not her idea so she hates it. Then Shiels pushes Sheldon into a janitor closet, turns off the lights and takes off his pants. They do… things... and then she decides Pyke's band gets to play the dance. She's daydreaming again whilst doing whatever it is she's doing in the janitor closet with Sheldon about Autumn Whirl ticket sales going bonkers and then talking to her college interview hero again about how great she is.
Sometime after their closet adventure, Shiels and Sheldon go shopping for dance decorations and other things. As they pass by a shoe store, Sheils notices a pair of yellow running shoes that she must have. She tears up the storeroom looking for the very last pair and buys the ridiculous shoes, thinking she can be a runner but she's terrible. She's definitely not Jocelyne which is what she was going for because Pyke loves Jocelyne and her yellow running shoes. She realizes she's late for the dance soundcheck and leaves the store in a mess, promising to return the next day and organize everything. At the soundcheck for the dance, Pyke doesn't show. Uh. That's not good. Shiels spirals into another daydream where everything is terrible and everyone hates her because Autumn Whirl was a failure, but then she wakes up in the middle of the dance. And is beguiled by the music. Completely entranced. Everyone is. And they're all orgying. She wakes up later in the attic of Sheldon's house, mortified because she and Sheldon apparently had sex for the first time and now she needs to GTFO. Sheldon is sad because he realizes she's embarrassed of him and doesn't want to be seen by his parents doing the walk of shame.
Instead of going home to be embarrassed even more by her parents, she goes to the shoe store to put it back together after she destroyed it looking for her stupid shoes. But her nose is purple. And it's not coming off. She decides that she should probably get her nose cut off. She organizes the hell out of that shoe store and the owner offers her a job, but no, she's much too busy for that. Finally resigned to go back home, she has dinner with her parents and brother. Her brother reveals Sheils wrangle danced with Pyke and that she loves him and everyone who wrangle dances with Pyke gets a purple nose, then she watches a video of this wrangle dance on Vhub. She goes up on stage and looks to be sexually impaled by Pyke's beak then she shimmies off stage into Sheldon, then they go to his place and do it. She informs her parents that she had sex with Sheldon and that she loves him, definitely not Pyke, and that she's probably pregnant. Her doctor mother informs her that no, she's probably not because their cycles are synced and it's not the right time and that when she goes to college and lives in a dorm everyone's cycles will sync. What an excellent dinner conversation!
At school, the gym is a mess after the dance. Her cleanup crew did not do their job, so the principal makes her go clean up the mess by herself. While she's picking up streamers and underwear, Pyke shows up to help and rubs his beak on her thigh. As you do. Then he leaves and his crow minions come in and clean everything up. Then she gets her period. Later, the principal tells her that parents have been contacting him about the orgy at school and about the pterodactyl and that they will have to have an emergency assembly. She will talk to the parents about Pyke and then Pyke will talk. Everyone will see that he's not terrifying. He's just a regular old Pterodactyl.
The assembly does not go well. Parents literally want to murder Pyke. Shiels has to figure out something, so she texts Sheldon and then convinces a football player to throw Pyke a pass while he's on stage. He catches it and then Sheldon yells not to reveal their football team's secret weapon. Everything is fine after that. What a relief. Sheils goes to Sheldon's house after the assembly. He's been avoiding her since they slept together, but he helped her at the assembly, so surely things will be okay again. No. He knows that she's obsessed with Pyke, that she wanted to sleep with Pyke instead of him. So he decides they need to take a break. ABOUT FREAKING TIME, DUDE.
Sheils encounters high school paparazzi in the hallway at school the next day and marches to the principal with another protocol. No students from other schools shall be allowed in their school. No one shall take pictures of students etc. etc. She gets a ton of evil messages on Vhub after that, yelling things like where do you get off telling us what to do, purple nose wrangle dancer?! She's pretty lost at this point, so she tries to take up running just so Pyke will notice her. She's doing an awful lot for this Pterodactyl boy who seems to be attracted to her, if his bright red ridge says anything about that, but he barely pays her any attention. Just like with the dance, he doesn't show up on time to the football game which is going spectacularly poorly. When he does show up, he practically bites an opposing team member's arm off and is arrested for assault. Shiels's dad is a surgeon and had to put the other kid's arm back on. He reveals that the kid was also poisoned and his skin was turning… purple. Shiels assumes there's going to be a lynch mob after Pyke, so she wants to go to the jail. During this time her mom bugs her about her college application and about how she's never going to become a doctor if she loves a pterodactyl and Sheils shouts that she doesn't want to become a doctor. She wants to study social sciences and learn about people! She storms off to visit her beloved Pterodactyl in jail.
At the police station, she tells them everything was her fault but they let her go, but not before asking her about her purple-nosed sex life. She is freaking out about Pyke being locked up and assumes he's going to die in prison. Her dad picks her up and tells her that when she stormed out of the house earlier, she broke her mother's foot and now she's in a state, worried about how Shiels doesn't want to be a doctor and how she's in love with a pterodactyl. Her dad lectures her about how she gets worked up about things and then doesn't pay any attention to anything else. All of this is true. Later, Shiels talks to Sheldon about what they can do to help Pyke. Sheldon is hung up on her being infatuated with Pyke, but why? He's got another girlfriend who clearly loves him a lot more than Shiels ever did. She feels better after their conversation and goes to sleep and dreams of being a Pterodactyl and going to see Pyke in prison.
After a conversation with Jocelyne, who knows that Shiels loves Pyke (everyone knows that), she says Pyke has feelings for her, too and that he came to their town from far away to learn about humans. Jocelyne also tried to take responsibility for his arm biting with the police. She told him to turn himself in after all, so it's her fault he's locked up. He could have just gone home and left them all behind, but she wanted him to stay. And now he's in jail, his bail is set at $90,000 and they have to get him out. Shiels will use her college fund! Nope. Her parents won't let her and she's not 18 yet. Just a few more months. But Pyke won't last that long. Shiels believes his wings are broken and he's just going to crumple up and die. So she's going to raise the money to bail him out and then take him to her house where he'll have two doctors to look over him. Sure, that's going to work. She meets with Sheldon and his girlfriend who say they will put tens of thousands of their own college funds toward Pyke's bail, but that doesn't happen. Then Shiels goes back to Jocelyne. She's poor and her mother is ill but her uncle is a lawyer, so he'll help. There's also a crowd fund happening, but that will barely earn enough money. Or will it?
Shiels admits to Jocelyne that she loves Pyke and she is excited to see where her world will go now that it is opening up. Jocelyne's world is also opening, all thanks to Pyke. But she is afraid of Shiels because she is perfect and if something is not perfect, she will make it so. She is a tornado. Sheldon has told her that. They realize the crowdfund is the only way, so Shiels uses her parents' credit card to donate $10,000. That gets the fund going and by the next day, enough has been raised to bail Pyke out. Jocelyne and Melanie, a girl who has been around the whole time and who will take Shiels's place as student body chair next year who Shiels is pretty jealous of, bring Pyke to Shiels's house because he requested to be taken there. She carries the crumpled umbrella up to the guest room and tucks him into bed. She checks on him throughout the day after changing her outfits several times to what she thinks will please him and during one of these checks he implores that she get closer. She looks at his body under the covers, at his wings and elbows and maybe something else making the blanket rise like a tent. She kisses him, but then her brother gets home from school. She'll have to "check on" him again later.
Her parents are betrayed by Shiels taking their money and bringing a predator into their home, particularly her mother. But when she meets him, her attitude abruptly changes. Dinner is weird, Pyke eats everything and Shiels's dad wants to call the police, but that doesn't happen. In the middle of the night, Shiels's mom sneaks into Pyke's bedroom, but Shiels notices and follows. Then her mom declares she's staying home from work tomorrow. Instead of going to school, Shiels goes to the shoe store and declares she's going to work there. The old man who owns it teaches her how to breathe properly and to run properly because she's taken to running everywhere she goes in those stupid yellow shoes. She runs home to find her mother flushed in the kitchen making oysters on crackers for Pyke that she plans to feed to him. Is her nose purple? (Gross. What does that mean?) Shiels goes to see Pyke and strokes his... beak... and they start to kiss and then her mom walks in with her tray of crackers and makes Shiels go take a shower. That night, possibly in a dream because it's hard to tell at this point, Shiels goes to Pyke's room. And she's naked. And she writhes on top of him. Then she goes back to her own room while her mother is out in the hall.
Shiels goes to the shoe store instead of school again the next day and learns about the owner's life and that she needs to stop being so hard. Hard on herself, hard on others, hard about the world. When she leaves for home, she runs into Jocelyne who needs to see Pyke. That's all she says. She goes back home, she notices her mom's nose is super purple. "For solidarity." Uh huh. Jocelyne and Pyke are making a ruckus so Sheils goes to see what's going on. The windows are open, crows are flying around everywhere and Pyke and Jocelyne are rolling around on the floor in an ecstasy of wings. Shiels sobs to her mother but then they act as if nothing happened and have a lovely family dinner. Later that night, Pyke tells her they need to leave. He's on bail, so this is a bad idea, but they end up flying far far away. Shiels is freezing and when they land, Pyke is greeted by a yellow footed pterodactyl that is apparently Jocelyne. Sheils is still freezing so she finds a cabin and sets a fire, determined to remain human. There's a feeding frenzy when Pyke brings in a moose carcass. She's hungry, but will eating this turn her into a pterodactyl, too?
The next day the pterodactyls fly off, calling goodbye. Shiels decides to run home in the ice and snow. She encounters a truck that had been in an accident with a moose with crows all around. Some really really big ones. She finds out it's 20 miles back to her hometown. The trucker asks her if she's a pro athlete and who is she, should he know her? If she's running all the way back home in the snow and ice, she's got to be someone famous. He also asks if her nose got frostbite. She checks it out and sees the purple is peeling away. She is Shiels and she is not a Pterodactyl.