Heartless

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Heartless by Gail Carriger

After several notes of important documentation by several archivists wherein it is mentioned that Alexia Tarabotti is pregnant, was fired as Muhjah and reinstated, and is currently wanted dead by vampires because her child is going to be a Soul Sucker, civilly labeled Metanatural, a creature that can be both mortal and immortal at the same time, Professor Lyall declares to Alexia, Conall and Lord Akeldama that her child will be adopted by the Potentate, dandy vampire Lord Akeldama. At first, Alexia is aghast, however she is soon mollified when she learns that she will be living in Lord Akeldama’s townhouse with him most of the time, and the rest of the time, she will be right next door in Woolsey pack's new London townhouse.

On their way home from this discussion, the carriage transporting Alexia and Conall is of course attacked, this time by zombie porcupines. There is a daring fight against the zombie porcupines that ends with them charging into a lime pit and Alexia being alone in the carriage where she is greeted by Lord Ambrose who is of course attempting to kill her. Alexia now carries a sundowner gun, named Ethel, in addition to her parasol and she manages to stop Lord Ambrose by shooting him, though not fatally. Alexia tells the vampire of the plans for Lord Akeldama to adopt her child, which should theoretically stop all the vampires from trying to kill her all the time. Alexia conveniently does not mention that she will also be living with Lord Akeldama. Lord Ambrose leaves to tell the Countess at once. Whilst all this is happening, there is a very confused ghost who feels like a chicken in a coop surrounded by indifferent people and having feelings, but what could she do about that. Who could she tell?

Moving house begins and Alexia is shocked that she will be living in one of Lord Akeldama’s closets, one, because gasp! he's giving up a closet and two because it's a closet, but it being Lord Akeldama's closet, it's actually nearly the same size as Alexia and Conall’s room at Woolsey. When Alexia realizes that all the clavigers and drones are just throwing stuff back and forth between the balconies, she asks Floote, her ever faithful butler/personal secretary, to see a bridge built between the houses so as not to cause her to be tossed back and forth too. 

Felicity, Alexia’s horrible sister, comes to call well outside of normal visiting hours. Felicity has left the Loontwill home after Mrs. Loontwill dismissed Felicity's marital interest in Lord Ambrose. It is then that Alexia realizes the state of Felicity's attire. It's very … unFelicitylike. Felicity lets her sister know that she is now part of the women's suffrage movement. How middle class! She desperately hopes Alexia will allow her to stay and, reluctantly, she agrees and sends Felicity over to the Woolsey townhouse. 

A confused ghost makes an appearance again, this time in the middle of Alexia's new townhouse, fretting about telling someone something. Alexia? With many silly words, she manages to tell Alexia and Conall, Felicity having fainted, that someone is going to try to kill the Queen. Conall takes off at once. The next day, Alexia tells Conall that she has called a Shadow Council meeting and he insists that a wolf accompany her as she is very far along in her pregnancy, so she insists on Biffy. Biffy is not fitting in with the wolves very well and it's either because he's got too much alpha in him, which Conall does not believe to be the case, or he's going to turn loner. Alexia believes that he's struggling because he was Lord Akeldama’s very favorite vampire drone a short while ago and now he's suddenly and unwillingly a werewolf. Lord Akeldama arrives and he and Alexia go to the Shadow Council meeting. The ghost meanwhile chats with another ghost. They are both content having passed their message along. 

The Shadow Council meeting occurs and ends with Alexia on the hunt for recently vacated servant positions because they are sure that the ghost who visited Alexia was some sort of maid or cook. Biffy and Alexia, dressed the part, go searching for new places of employment as a butler and his pregnant maid wife. After eleven houses, they don't find where the ghost came from. Back at home, Ivy visits. Felicity greets her and is nice? but then she leaves for her society meeting, thank goodness. Ivy tells Alexia that she is pregnant and that she and Tunstell are planning to create a family acting troupe and need funding. Alexia has her own money from her father and agrees to assist. Ivy then tells Alexia what she has overheard in the hat shop and that she encountered a ghost who was looking for someone with a parasol that does things. Ivy pointed the ghost to Alexia, of course. She also learned that there's something going on within the Order of the Brass Octopus. Alexia asks Floote if there are any OBO places nearby. Yes, madam, there are.

Alexia goes to the nearest OBO location inquiring about open positions and learns that their cook position recently came open. Shocking indeed! Obviously they can't hire Alexia, or Mrs. Floote as she is currently calling herself, due to her present condition. She is shown around anyway by the butler and feigns baby troubles when she arrives at the recently vacated room to get her tour guide to leave her alone for a moment. She takes a few journals she finds belonging to the cook-turned-ghost and some mysterious vials and secrets them away in her parasol. As Alexia is leaving, one of the Hypocras Club scientists who kidnapped her in book one recognizes her and Alexia is forced to incapacitate him and the butler so she can escape.

Back at home, Alexia looks through the journals and discovers in the oldest one that there were presumably poison orders made by the Kingair werewolf pack in Scotland, which perfectly lines up with Conall's former pack’s betrayal and the reason why Conall left them to take over Woolsey. Floote arrives and Alexia questions why the pack would order poisons from London, but Floote assures her that everyone orders everything from London. Lyall joins them, curious about what Alexia got up to, but she gives him the vials she stole, asking BUR to identify them. She has plans to go visit Madame Lefoux to ask her about OBO. Even though she could not possibly have been involved with the poisoning attempt so long ago, she might know something.

Alexia goes to visit Madame Lefoux with Biffy. The lady scientist is looking rough, thin and gaunt and Alexia questions if something has happened to Quesnel, he does like to cause explosions, but Madame Lefoux says he didn't make it home this time from school. They go to her laboratory where Alexia sees what looks to be some sort of giant battle machine that also looks like a top hat, but Madame Lefoux doesn't wish to speak on it. Alexia asks what Madame Lefoux can tell her about the OBO’s part in the Kingair assassination attempt on the Queen all those years ago. She has no information, but her aunt might, though she is very near the end of her ghostly life. Alexia speaks with Formerly Lefoux and learns that she taught Sidheag all those years ago in finishing school, but she doesn't know anything about the attempt, except that the OBO wasn't involved. Alexia determines she'll have to send someone to Scotland to investigate. 

That someone is Ivy Tunstell. Alexia visits Ivy and tells her the truth about herself, that she is preternatural, but Ivy already knew and assumed that Alexia chose not to speak of it because it is embarrassing. Knowing that her friend has a lot of knowledge and can keep things quiet, she inducts her into the made-up-on-the-spot Parasol Protectorate, gives each of them codenames (Puff Bonnet and Ruffled Parasol) and sends Ivy to Scotland with her husband in tow.

Back at home, or in Lord Akeldama’s closet, there is trouble. Someone comes knocking at the door. Conall of course answers in the nude and finds Lyall seeking assistance with Biffy. It's nearly a week before full moon and he's already shifting. He's just not handling the werewolf life well. Alexia goes to assist and grabs Biffy’s paw, shifting him back to human and keeping a tight hold on him throughout his dressing by Floote. Lyall interrupts again to tell Alexia that results from BUR’s testing on the bottles she found are in. Poison. All of them. Some for supernaturals, but some for humans.

Alexia travels with Conall and Biffy, still holding on to him, to Woolsey Castle. Biffy needs to go to the dungeons early as he can't stop his shift, and Alexia wants to investigate the library. Biffy secured, Alexia does just that. She doesn't find anything important in her father's journals, but is shocked to be greeted by Channing Channing of the Chesterfield Channings. He says he does not remember anything of the first attempt on the Queen's life, but he also seems rather shifty, and not in the werewolf sense. Later, Alexia is awakened by a burglar, which is odd considering their room is several levels off the ground. The burglar takes some bit of paper from one of Alexia's drawers and dives back out the window, using a sort of parachute to get to the ground. Conall, alerted by Alexia’s screams, gives chase, but is unable to catch the thief, who takes off on a monocycle. During the kerfuffle, Alexia injures her ankle and is thus confined to bed for a week, making her quite insufferable. She finally decides to end her bedridden status when Floote brings her missives from someone called Puff Bonnet. Ivy’s messages lead Alexia to believe that Channing Channing of the Chesterfield Channings may have been involved with the attempt. Alexia insists on going back to London at once.

Alexia visits with Lord Akeldama who agrees that a werewolf was probably involved with the attempt on the Queen, but he also tells her of a certain teapot invention that a certain Lefoux made that was definitely involved. Alexia then goes to see Madame Lefoux to inquire. Unfortunately, Formerly Lefoux is in Poltergeist stage and doesn't have much longer before she is no more, so Madame Lefoux goes to look for her aunt's old ledgers. Formerly Lefoux laments ghostly about Alexia's preternatural state and being on the wrong tracks, which doesn't make any sense. Later, Alexia relays what she learned to her husband who disagrees about Channing Channing of the Chesterfield Channings being involved but admits maybe the alpha was because they tend to go a little crazy as they age and the alpha really enjoyed pain. Just then, Madame Lefoux arrives. Meanwhile, a ghost knows she is reaching the end of her afterlife and worries about what she was supposed to do, and if it was done.

Madame Lefoux brings her aunt's ledgers about the teapot invention, noting that the order was a large one placed by the office of BUR, indicating Lord Woolsey himself who held Conall's position then. After leaving without her top hat because Conall accidentally left wearing it to deal with some sort of emergency pack business, Alexia speaks to Floote about a conversation she overheard him having with Madame Lefoux moments ago. This conversation was about attraction between those with excess soul and those with none, referring to Madame Lefoux’s feelings for Alexia and also Alexia’s father's feelings for probably everyone. This leads her to asking Floote about her father and he mentions something about his opinions changing roundabouts the same time as the assassination attempt. 

Just then, Alexia’s presence is requested at Lord Akeldama's. Apparently he's currently fighting a werewolf. Alexia goes to help and finds Lord Akeldama trying desperately to not harm Wolf Biffy. Alexia turns them both mortal as she falls on them, but keeps hold of Biffy afterward, questioning who unlocked his cell, but he doesn't know. She tells her friend and the young werewolf that they must let each other go, romantically. Conall and Lyall arrive after following Biffy's trail to Lord Akeldama’s. Conall kindly asks how he can help, but Alexia, looking carefully at Lyall, thinks she has discovered something in how unassuming Lyall always is and how he tries to keep things in balance in everyone's best interests. They decide that maybe having Biffy work at BUR will distract him.

When everyone leaves and figures out how to keep Biffy locked in the wine cellar, Alexia turns on Lyall. What she worked out was that Lyall was responsible for the attempt on the Queen all those years ago. He did it because Lord Woolsey had gone insane and was physically assaulting the wolves. Lyall took on the brunt of these assaults to keep everyone else in the pack safe. He set up the poisoning attempt so someone would come and challenge for pack leadership, and Conall was the one to do that. Conall does not know that Lyall is responsible, but he did everything for the safety of his pack. Channing Channing of the Chesterfield Channings arrives then and it comes out that he knew what Lyall was up to and kept everything hidden from the rest of the pack as a good Gamma should do. Then he mentions the fact that Lyall didn't even tell Sandy what he was up to. Wait. Who is Sandy?

Sandy is Alessandro Tarabotti, Alexia's father. He and Lyall were lovers once upon a time and, in trying to protect Lyall, Alessandro left his wife and daughter and tried to kill Lord Woolsey. Unfortunately he was not successful. There isn't much more detail provided here, but Lyall does have several of Alessandro's journals and agrees to let Alexia read them.

Alexia, hoping to go to bed after all the Biffy excitement, unfortunately is greeted by Felicity, who desperately wants to be introduced to Channing Channing of the Chesterfield Channings. They flirt outrageously and then Alexia sends Felicity away. She chides Channing Channing of the Chesterfield Channings who seems to like his ladies young and stupid. Well that's exactly Felicity. He then remarks on Lyall’s last love being Alessandro, and that was 25 years ago. He doesn't say that he wants Alexia to try to set Lyall up with anyone, but he does warn Alexia that he is sensitive. 

Alexia wakes with Conall snuggled against her and she really enjoys it. They argue whether or not the kicking baby in Alexia's belly is a boy or a girl, and then Conall realizes that it's full moon and he should really be with Biffy in the dungeons at Woolsey Castle. Alexia suggests that maybe Biffy and Lyall should spend more time together, not for Biffy's sake, but for Lyall's. They head off to Woolsey while the ghost laments not learning fewer scientific things and more things about human interaction. 

Alexia, alone on full moon night, everyone locked safely away in the dungeons, finds herself in a coach following a porcupine. The porcupine is being walked by Mabel Dair, Vampire Drone to Countess Nadasdy. The porcupine is of similar model to the ones that attacked Alexia, but after that failed experiment and Alexia's decision to let Lord Akeldama adopt her child, Mabel Dair was permitted to keep one as a pet. Alexia discovers that it is not a zombie porcupine as she originally thought, but some sort of automaton similar to a mechanimal, but those have been outlawed in the past. Anyway, Mabel Dair invites Alexia to a soiree at the Countess’s, but it's likely that, due to her current extreme pregnancy, Alexia will decline. 

Alexia visits Chapeau de Poupe in order to return Formerly Lefoux’s ledger. She finds the shop very busy, but is made aware by the rudely busy shop girl that Madame Lefoux is unavailable. Alexia starts shouting imperiously that she must have Ivy Tunstell's Hair Muffs, which have fallen out of style in warmer weather, and she must have them now. This causes a tizzy amongst all the other ladies in the shop, who clamber for hair muffs of their own. Distraction fully underway, Alexia slips through the secret door and into Madame Lefoux’s laboratory. She indeed doesn't find her friend, nor does she find her weird contraption she was working on, but she does find Formerly Lefoux in her second, final, death throes. 

Alexia speaks to the ghost and learns that Madame Lefoux, using the giant contraption, is going to try to kill the Queen. This is of course mixed in with many ghostly wailings, mostly about how much Madame Lefoux loves and that she loves deeply, and that she may love Alexia a little, so it is difficult to suss out, but suss it out Alexia does. She also finds a chamber hidden inside a barrel of pickled onions that instead houses a pickled Formerly Lefoux. The ghost goes Poltergeist, still telling Alexia that she's not asking the right questions, and Alexia is forced to break open the chamber, amazing as it is, she'll have to tell BUR about it, and exorcises her friend's aunt. Now why would Madame Lefoux be the one trying to kill Queen Victoria? Alexia must discover where Madame Lefoux has moved her contraption. 

Alexia heads to the part of town where the dirigibles go when they need work and finds, after searching through many warehouses, Madame Lefoux welding a giant bowler hat with octopus legs, an automaton, no… Octomaton. Before Alexia can break into the warehouse, Madame Lefoux powers up her machine and heads out. Alexia tries to stop it with her parasol, but the machine is far too powerful for that. She also fires her gun at it, but again, it does nothing. Alexia watches as the Octomaton heads off, but it's not heading toward Buckingham Palace. Ooohhhhhhhhhhh. Alexia realizes the Queen that Madame Lefoux wants to kill is not Queen Victoria, it's Countess Nadasdy, the vampire hive queen who caused Madame Lefoux's lover Angelique so much trouble. 

Alexia tries to stop Madame Lefoux’s destruction but can't keep up with the Octomaton. Luckily she is spotted by Lord Akeldama's dirigible piloted by Boots and another of the dandy vampire’s drones who are conveniently out for a full moon float in the exact right place and the exact right time. Alexia has immense and embarrassing trouble getting both into and out of the dirigible’s basket, but soon enough they arrive at the hive house, and it is before the Octomaton. 

Upon her exaggeratedly ridiculous arrival, Alexia is greeted by Mabel Dair and escorted inside. Luckily she received that invitation earlier! None of the vampires inside are particularly happy to see Alexia, but she eventually makes her way to the Vampire Queen. Unfortunately, Alexia finds the countess enjoying a little snack… Felicity! 

Felicity has apparently been involved with vampires since Alexia's wedding and she is the one who stole Alexia's journal on the dirigible ride to Scotland! Alexia tells Countess Nadasdy that Madame Lefoux is coming to kill her and the vampire reveals why. She has Quesnel! So that's why he never made it home from school! Apparently Quesnel was promised to the Queen by Angelique in her will. Regardless of legalities, Madame Lefoux is coming imminently in a giant robot octopus and the Queen must leave, but she will not. Swarming, the act of a vampire queen leaving her home and taking everyone with her, is not something that is done lightly. Unfortunately the Octomaton arrives then.

It's of course a giant mess when the Octomaton crashes through the hive house and everything is in disarray, but the Queen doesn't swarm until the last possible moment. Madame Lefoux destroys nearly everything but is thwarted by a sheet thrown over the head of her Octomaton. Alexia and Felicity are rescued by Boots in Lord Akeldama’s dirigible and are safely delivered to his townhouse, but Alexia loses her parasol along the way. Alexia suggests they lock Felicity up because she really is horrible and clearly does not care for her sister's life at all.

Lord Akeldama is positively in a frenzy to discover that the Countess has swarmed behind his house. Alexia tries to think of somewhere for them to go safely and can only think of one place: Woolsey. She gets the vampire queen and some of her entourage into her carriage and they rush off. Unfortunately, Madame Lefoux in her Octomaton catches up. Also unfortunately, Alexia goes into labor.

They arrive at Woolsey and Alexia is carried to the front door on a litter made from bits of the carriage so the vampires won't have to touch her. She gets all the werewolves out of the dungeons and gets the Countess and her entourage into the dungeons relatively smoothly considering she's also in labor. The wolves outside begin fighting the Octomaton and soon Lord Akeldama's dirigible floats in to assist with heavy artillery and they manage to take the Octomaton down sufficiently, but soon the sun starts to rise. 

All the vampires are safely ensconced in the walls of Woolsey, and the wolves are moved inside as well, but a couple are missing, namely Conall, Lyall and Biffy. Alexia, aided by Floote who floated in on the dirigible, gets out to the Octomaton in search of her husband and Biffy, whilst continuously having a baby. She's very concerned about Biffy who will not be able to survive the sunlight as he's still such a new pup. Luckily, Madame Lefoux let them inside her Octomaton after they thoroughly defeated her. Biffy will need Alexia to keep him human while being transported back inside the castle, but, reminding everyone with great screams, Alexia is currently having a baby.

The baby is born inside the defeated Octomaton without fuss, thank goodness, and everyone is taken back to Woolsey. Alexia gets settled in bed with her baby girl, named Prudence Alessandra Maccon Akeldama, and Conall puts pack business aside and rests with his little family. Lyall wakes them later to figure out what they're going to do now that Alexia has given Woolsey to Countess Nadasdy. There's nothing for it but for them to move the entire pack to London. Countess Nadasdy comes into the bedroom, now hers because obviously she lives there now and she's very fussy, and makes sure that they will all be cleared away in a few days, except for Alexia and the baby who will need to leave sooner. The Countess simply cannot have another creature like Alexia in her home. But wait! Is the baby like Alexia?

No! Conall takes his daughter in his arms and she transforms from a pink and squiggly baby into a tiny little wolf cub. How interesting! Lyall is delighted to see a real Soul Stealer in the flesh! They continue to get things sorted and now have to decide what to do with Madame Lefoux. She literally just destroyed most of London in a giant octopus in an attempt to get Quesnel back and she didn't even do that because legally, he belongs to the Countess. Alexia has a brilliant plan that will reunite her friend with her son and also punish her for her destruction. 

As Muhjah, Alexia declares that Madame Lefoux will become a drone to the now Woolsey Hive until Quesnel comes of age. They will be able to live together and cause all sorts of trouble for the vampire Queen, so it's really not all that bad. She will be able to have a new laboratory on the grounds and her current laboratory will be where the wolves will lock themselves away during the full moon, and Biffy, who needs something creative to do, will take over running Chapeau de Poupe. Everything wrapped up nicely, Lord Akeldama comes to visit his adopted daughter. When he holds Prudence, her skin turns porcelain and she sports two tiny baby sized vampire fangs. What a curious child she will be!