Fake Blood

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Fake Blood by Whitney Gardner

In a misty forest in the mountains on a winding path, three pre-teens are running fast. They’re running for the school bus. AJ promised himself things would be different this year, but alas it is not because the bus has just driven by. Though Hunter is pleased he beat Ivy (they are very competitive with each other), the three friends will just have to walk to school. Again.

It’s the first day back at school after summer break. While AJ spent the summer at home reading and won a pair of sweet shades from the library, Hunter did a bungee jump and Ivy hiked to the top of Mount St. Helens. The walk also gives the friends the chance to rib AJ about like-liking Nia who also rides the bus. Side bar: Hunter and Ivy also challenge each other to a growing contest over the school year, and throughout the book their methods of growing taller get more ludicrous and inventive. 

After chasing puny younger kids down the hallway, it’s time for first period with Mr. Niles. He’s English, has a streak of grey through his hair, wears a bow tie with a tweed jacket complete with elbow patches, and could murder a cup right now. (Kids and their incessant questions, shudder.) 

As Mr. Niles starts roll call, Nia dramatically enters, her arms laden down with books: Fang Squad, Survival in the Wild, Adventure Jill, The Vampire: A Casebook, and Moonlight. AJ knows three things about Nia: she’s the smartest girl in middle school, she’s all vampires all the time, and she has no idea he exists. Sigh. 

At lunch Hunter makes up for a summer with no sugar by eating only cupcakes and Ivy wants to talk about a TV show, Fang Squad but AJ and Hunter are boring and didn’t watch it. Meanwhile, Nia grabs a drink from the water fountain, AJ sees love hearts, sparkles and rainbows around her. AJ bemoans that Nia would ever be interested in him. Hunter, helpfully, tells him he needs to grow some gnarly fangs. 

That night, at home, AJ is having dinner with his mom and older sister BB and talking about AJ being in middle school now. After, AJ goes to his room to watch Fang Squad. AJ thinks it’s gross, and BB catches him in the act. They have a heart to heart complete with sibling poots and AJ confesses he like-likes Nia but feels too boring to talk to her. BB leaves AJ with sage advice: just be yourself. 

At school during recess, AJ is reading, Hunter wants to play hacky sack to help him grow taller (yeah, we don’t know the logic behind that either), and Ivy is with Nia sitting on the playground equipment. Hunter, frustrated, points AJ at them, tells him to just go over and say hi and shoves him. AJ falls and their pose mirrors the cover of the book The Hunted Nia has, complete with sun rays hitting AJ dramatically. Hmmmm. Nia asks Ivy if AJ looks strange, but Ivy only notices that he’s shorter than her.  

In class, Mr. Niles sets a project to work in pairs and investigate a location anywhere in the world to present back. He assigns Hunter and Ivy together, noting Ivy’s red plaid shirt is the same color as his house, and AJ and Nia together, too. Nia and AJ are sitting two desk widths apart and he’s completely frazzled because Nia is being perfectly normal. Nia picks Transylvania as their country to investigate. 

That evening while BB is distracted streaming hair bun content, AJ sneaks into her room to borrow Moonlight by Bethany Fryer (🎶 hoa, hoa, hoa 🎶). The panels then show the scene where the heroine is alone in the woods with the hero who has big hair and cheek bones for days and she tells him she knows he’s… a vampire! The hero then pulls his shirt open and the sun hits radiating an entire rainbow from his sparkly skin and the heroine drops to her knees, arms raised in a slight nooooo! 

At the beach, AJ is reading Moonlight and Ivy and Hunter are competing over stone skipping. AJ is actually really good at skipping stones and shows them how to do it. His friends are on a mission to cheer him up. Back at school, Nia gets pretty intense about vampires as AJ cracks a joke during their Transylvania research. She never jokes about vampires. She takes that stuff super seriously. Okay, in related but serious news, Bran Castle, otherwise known as Dracula's Castle, is for sale. Mr. Niles, who is a bit of a technophobe, takes away their laptops because of their chatter and hands them a useful book, the dictionary. 

Before school, AJ tries to give himself a dark and brooding vampire complexion with BB’s Smokey Nights eyeshadow. He doesn’t have any fangs though. He sends a quick text to Ivy for help with information on vampires, which she is happy to do in exchange for BB’s platform shoes. The next morning, AJ is being chased by Ivy wearing the platforms and her hands are covered in glitter. She knows nothing about vampires other than they sparkle which Hunter disputes, but then Hunter displays puppy-like qualities including playing fetch with some cakes, which gives Ivy time to critique AJs flat hair, lack of cool belt and/or sunglasses. 

At school, Ivy and Hunter are working on their picture of the Arc de Triomphe and it turns out Hunter is an impressive artist. AJ and Nia have a drawing of Bran Castle, complete with ‘for sale’ sign. Nia notices AJ looking like a member of the walking dead, it’s the makeup, of course, but he doesn’t admit that. Nia then pines over meeting a real vampire (same, Nia, same). During class AJ pockets Ivy’s tube of glitter. 

The next day, AJ reapplies the Smokey Nights, gives himself big hair, a liberal scattering of glitter and bares his non-fanged, but spinach encrusted, teeth. But wait, he has some old horrible plastic Halloween fangs buried in a drawer. At school he spits and drools more than talks because the fangs are NASTY. They also make his gums bleed, so he takes the fangs out and puts on his library sunglasses. Nia doesn’t see AJ take the fangs out, only his mouth covered in blood after drinking from a bottle. He’s very suspicious when telling her it’s just water before running to the bathroom where Hunter follows and mimics being a werewolf to AJ’s vampire. Mr. Niles catches them and before he can discipline them for being kids, his phone rings. Look who’s breaking school rules now! Also, his technophobia is showing. 

The next day AJ is running through the woods, and today he manages to catch the school bus. Not only that, but Nia is riding the bus too, and it’s empty of other passengers. AJ acts all dark and brooding and vampy but it comes off as a bit rude so Nia tells him she’s going to listen to her audiobook. This gets AJ excited so he asks what Nia is listening to. Her book is Natalie and the Ninja Star which AJ just so happens to have read and loves and knows there is going to be a sequel. As they get off the school bus, the sun blinds AJ and he has to put on his library sunglasses. 

In class Mr. Niles, through deep yawns, grabs a morning cuppa from his red flask and gives further instruction on the reports the class is working on. He weirdly says “cheers, mate” to AJ when the bell rings. During recess, AJ is tackled by Hunter who has now got a furry hat and wolf claw scarf thing to help project his werewolfiness. AJ pulls out his tube of fake blood to make his mouth bloody in lieu of nasty fangs and dons his shades - vampy-cool style. 

That night as AJ is reading his Natalie Ninja book, BB comes charging in looking for her stuff. AJ denies taking anything but Moonlight is lying right there. Busted. BB tells her brother he’s being weird and she’s watching him… and her stuff. On the bus to school the next day, yes AJ made it two days running, he gets a notification that Bran Castle has been bought which has both him and Nia curious about the buyer. 

At school, Mr. Niles asks AJ for help with his Hemi app since he is not as tech savvy in comparison to him, but AJ doesn’t know that app and they’re interrupted by Mr. Niles getting a phone call. In class, Nia asks AJ to listen to her audiobook during recess so he spends the rest of the morning dreaming about break, even so far as to totally miss the food fight Ivy and Hunter start, yet still being caught in the middle and sent to the principal’s office and missing recess. Mr. Niles watches the three friends during detention and again gets a phone call. Sounds like he’s talking to a girlfriend or ex and trying to make things right by buying her a gift but the kids aren’t paying him any attention. Fed up, AJ puts some fake blood on his teeth, and asks to see the nurse, and disgusted that he couldn’t wait, Mr. Niles excuses AJ. 

In the hall, AJ runs into Nia. She calls him out on his bloody mouth (again) and acting weird (again). He thinks the hair, the bloody teeth, sunglasses and moodiness is working. It’s not. By Nia’s expression, she finds it annoying and suspicious. When AJ is finished in the bathroom, Mr. Niles checks on him. He doesn’t know how AJ can stand all that fake stuff, but it’s all the rage with youths. 

After school, AJ is still annoyed with Ivy and Hunter for making him miss recess and be blamed for their shenanigans and refuses to help them in another bet. He also thinks that they think he’s boring and doesn’t join in and is a massive dork, but that’s his interpretation and misjudgment. They give AJ some room and leave him to get the bus with Nia and listen to audiobooks. 

After the bus, AJ and Nia are walking through the woods talking about the release of the next Natalie Ninja book. The situation also turns a bit Twilight/Moonlight when Nia starts to tell AJ she knows what he is, and she’s been waiting forever to meet someone like him. A vampire. Nia is afraid she’s going to lose her nerve though, she likes AJ and she’s not supposed to like them, she’s supposed to SLAY THEM! which is when she opens her coat to reveal stakes, a Narf Gun of holy water, a whole strand of garlic bulbs, a torch and a cross. 

AJ insists Nia has it wrong, but she doesn’t believe him and the chase is on! They run through the woods, into a play area and through the equipment. Nia apologizes for having to do this because, before the whole blood sucking thing, she actually really liked AJ. Of course this makes him pause for a second, but his life is on the line, so he’s quick to run home to safety. After pitching a pre-teen fit in the bathroom, AJ gets rid of the vampire cosplay. 

The next day AJ tries to apologize to Ivy and Hunter on the walk to school but they don purple berets to look French and ignore him. In class, Mr. Niles is taking a hard line on the project deadline, lots of you problems and excuses, and his eyebrows look all thin and pointed and evil. AJ and Nia call a truce while they work on theirs, but then Nia points out that Mr. Niles is being weird today, there’s something there, they just can’t figure it out… Anywho, their Transylvania report is looking epic and super profesh, full of maps and charts and stuff. The conversation is making it hard for Nia to fulfill her destiny because AJ is being all likable. So she decides to give AJ a five minute headstart! 

For the rest of the day, Ivy and Hunter continue to ignore AJ, and Nia’s promise to stake him after school haunts him. After lunch, Hunter has gone and Mr. Niles reports he feels poorly, probably because of all the cookies at lunch. When the bell rings, Nia stands on the front steps of Spoons Middle School and shouts “5 minutes!” AJ runs. He manages to dodge, hide and escape from Nia. When he reaches the beach, AJ hides behind a pillar. Mr. Niles walks by on the phone with a “darling” and tells them everything is ready and he’s almost packed, but “darling” isn’t coming though. He’s been dumped. Mr. Niles tosses his phone to the ground. AJ picks it up just as Nia finds him, scaring him to death. 

Not real death, just a jump scare. He begs Nia not to stake him, that he was only pretending to be a vampire. Nia knows, he forgot his backpack and she found his fake blood inside, so, um, sorry? She’s a little disappointed she didn’t get to fulfill her destiny yet, but she’s not sure she really wanted to kill AJ anyway. Back at AJ’s house, he shows Nia Mr. Niles’ phone. Their teacher has been acting super weird lately and AJ thinks he might be a real vampire and the phone might hold answers. Nia doesn’t totally agree with AJ’s assumption, after all, Mr. Niles is British and super smart with books and will one day be her mentor when he figures out she is a slayer. Nia puts the beached phone into rice to dry out and heads home with it. 

Later, when AJ is in bed reading Moonlight, Ivy throws stones at his window to get his attention. Hunter is missing and she’s losing their bet not to talk to AJ to get his help. They need Nia. Nia has got Mr. Niles’ phone to work and she discovers that he was the one who bought Bran Castle. Nia climbs out her bedroom on a rope ladder after throwing a ton of vampire hunting equipment down. They bring Ivy up to speed on their suspicions, Nia has even managed to open Mr. Niles’ phone after a quick visit to school to locate their teacher’s finger print. There is a message thread where Mr. Niles is complaining about Hunter being a feral werewolf. Ivy takes them to the one place that matches her red plaid shirt after Mr. Niles’ comments about it matching his house… a giant lumberjack statue. 

From inside the improbable vampire lair, they hear Hunter howling. Nia locates a door in the lumberjack’s foot. Climbing up the lumberjack’s leg, they find a living space, Hunter being all werewolf-weird shackled to wooden scaffolding and a frazzled looking Mr. Niles. AJ throws a bulb of garlic at Mr. Niles, but he says he’s 400 years old and that’s just rude. Nia’s Narf Gun of holy water and Narf stake crossbow on the other hand causes Mr. Niles to pause. As Nia keeps their teacher at bay, Ivy and AJ shout for Hunter to jump bungee style, but he can’t because he never went bungee jumping and is a liar who lies. Same as Ivy, she never hiked Mount St. Helen’s. Meanwhile, Mr. Niles has grabbed a free-standing candelabra and knocked Nia’s weapons from her hands. They all end up in shackles on the scaffolding.

Mr. Niles gets another phone call. It’s his ex Artemis and he’s not taking their breakup well. In anger he grabs Hunter and goes to bite him, but Hunter pretty much only eats sugar now and is too sweet. Just then BB arrives. BB is able to talk to Mr. Niles and keep him distracted long enough for AJ, Nia, Ivy, and Hunter to free themselves, climb down, and head to the stairs. Unfortunately, Ivy falls over the discarded candelabra. 

BB stands in front of AJ and his friends, she won’t let Mr. Niles eat them, not even Hunter, who they correct his mistaken assumption of being a werewolf. They also tell him AJ was only pretending to be a vampire because vampires are cool which cheers Mr. Niles up. BB points out he owns a sweet castle, is a 400 year old vampire and should go and live it up. Nia objects, hello bloodsucking fiend who threatened to kill them! but they decide to compromise. Nia won’t stab Mr. Niles with Mr. Stabby if he promises to only drink animal blood like in Moonlight, he can be a vegetarian vampire. There will be plenty of meals at Bran Castle, AJ should know, he’s done his Transylvania research. Mr. Niles vows on a copy of Moonlight to change his ways. 

The next day at school, Ivy and Hunter happily compete against each other, while AJ and Nia sit under a tree listening to an audiobook together and plan to go to the release of Natalie and the Ninja Star’s new book the following week.