Dracula, Motherf**ker! written by Alex de Campi and illustrated by Erica Henderson
Vienna, 1889, is a city in love with death. After a view of the cityscape, we are shown three women, one stares into the distance looking determined, another handles a spear, and the last drinks a dark red liquid from a wine glass, her expression thoughtful. Next we’re shown a woman, dead on a luxurious four poster bed, a man lying next to her holding a gun. Finally, we see a figure holding its cloak closed with withered hands, seemingly flying through the streets. Its face or mask has large fangs, and its eyes are sharp slits. Death is also in love with Vienna, but all things end. The three women spear the cloaked figure, place the body into a sarcophagus, nail the creature to the bottom, and close it up. They plan to bury it, and so long as the figure remains nailed to the bottom, they know he can’t hurt anyone.
Los Angeles, 1974, is a city in love with youth. At a Hollywood party, Bebe Beauland is raising the stakes. She leaves the party and goes into a room crowded with lit candles, and at the center is a sarcophagus. Bebe pulls the nails out of the creature inside and it slowly emerges. Ricky, one of the party goers, looks for Bebe.
Meanwhile Quincy Harker is on a pay phone talking to his police contact. Quincy sees a city falling apart and his contact agrees, he’s got another corpse for Quincy to photograph. Quincy drives to the Hollywood home and the officers there warn him the crime scene is an ugly one, and holy shit they aren’t wrong. It’s frontpage stuff. Quincy gets to work taking picture after picture of dead bodies littering the home. In the last, he snaps a shot of Bebe Beauland. As the police tell Quincy he’s done, their backs are turned to Bebe so they don’t see her eyes open.
Quincy is in a darkroom developing the photos he took from the crime scene. He’s on the phone trying to sell the pictures and in his sales pitch he tells them there were so many bodies the cops ran out of chalk, and that eight people are dead including Bebe Beauland, the Hollywood actress. He asks for $200 for his best five photos. The newspaper, however, offers $25 for the full set as Beauland will be making a statement at 3pm and they want to be respectful of her trauma. Another newspaper man is not so bothered with respect though because he wishes there were more leg visible on Bebe’s pictures, or better yet, boobs. His best offer is $20.
Later that night, after Bebe’s statement to the press, Quincy drives around waiting for work, but finds none. Early the next day, the newspapers are dropped off at newsstands with the headline BEBE BEAULAND’S SECRET SNUFF FILM. Finally Quincy gets a lead to the river. The dead girl he takes photos of has strange puncture marks on her neck. As Quincy is leaving, a woman beckons him over to her car. It’s Bebe Beauland.
Quincy declines getting into the car, so Bebe says they’ll have to do it the hard way as a creature made of black smoke with many sharp eyes and a mouth full of fangs appears behind Quincy. Quincy refuses to look at the creature as it beckons him. Eventually Quincy looks and is mesmerized by the bright red eyes and the voice of Dracula telling him Come closer. Closer still. Yes. Dracula gathers Quincy in his arms, fangs bared and ready to rip into his throat.
Before the fangs pierce Quincy’s neck, a woman holding a sword comes running toward them. She leaps and drags Dracula from Quincy. Dracula bellows You! Ungrateful whore! I made you! It’s one of Dracula’s wives who turned on him in 1889. She grabs Quincy by the arm and drags him away to a rooftop. While Quincy tries to deny what he saw, she points out he saw the marks on the victim’s neck, he knows exactly what it is. Well, fuck.
The next night, security camera footage of the coroner’s office shows the dead girl by the river opening her eyes, walking through the halls with a sheet wrapped around her and leaving the office as Dracula narrates that he cannot have just one bride. Bebe is outside waiting for her. Meanwhile in a bar, Quincy is having a few stiff drinks with a stake for company. Eventually Quincy starts calling around for work and gets offered $50 for some pictures of a party at 10086 Sunset. Unfortunately, Quincy doesn’t know the person he got the job from is being controlled by Dracula. Once the address is given, Dracula orders the man to offer his throat and his two wives feed.
Outside the dive bar Quincy has been drinking in are three women, one of whom was his savior the night before. They want to help him, but he doesn’t want their help. While Quincy wants to do his job, the three women, who reveal they are Dracula’s ex-wives, want to help him take on Dracula, and tell him he’s got to know the party is a trap. Knowing what’s best for him to stay alive, Quincy accepts their help and gets into their car.
They arrive at 10086 Sunset and Quincy is greeted by an imposing figure dressed in red, their face covered by a red skull mask with a broad white toothy grin, holding a candelabra. The figure welcomes Quincy inside and gestures for him to go upstairs. There is no one there when Quincy reaches the top, just a large room with huge windows with a view of the LA skyline. Quincy takes out his camera as hands reach for him from behind. Before he is grabbed, one of the ex-wives says “stop.”
The ex-wife lifts the red skull mask from Quincy’s would-be attacker revealing Bebe, now one of Dracula’s new wives. The ex tells her she knows Dracula promised her everything: eternal youth, power, beauty, but why does he only go after young brides, why does he play them against each other, when the only one he cares about being strong is himself. Dracula’s new bride denies these lies and says she is different so they begin to fight. The ex tries to tell Bebe that Dracula always lies to them before killing them and taking their power for himself then finding a new sucker. To escape, Bebe crashes through a window and jumps out. As Quincy and the ex gather themselves, a TICK TICK TICK TICKING can be heard before KABOOM!
Quincy flies out of the window and lands on the ground. He’s been staked by his own weapon, he’s bleeding, and his camera is smashed. Dracula finds him and sets his other bride on to Quincy where the first failed him. As she wraps her hands around Quincy’s neck, he pulls the stake from his side and plunges it into her chest. Dracula screams incompetent woman and takes the life and power from her leaving her a shriveled husk.
The three ex-wives are watching. This is perfect, Dracula is at his most vulnerable when he feeds. One ex volunteers to take on Bebe, and rushes toward her. Grabbing Bebe who pleads for mercy, the ex transforms into a many-eyed white-wolf creature. The other ex-wives follow suit, also transforming into white many-eyed creatures and attack Dracula who is holding Quincy in his arms. As the ex-wives attack, Quincy is dropped to the ground. What happens next is a mass of tooth and claw and blood. The ex-wives have their own power, greatly increased since 1889. They were good students who made their own wives and grooms just like Dracula taught them.
After the ripping and tearing ends, one transforms back into a woman. She’s naked, blood running down her mouth and throat. In her hands she holds the shriveled head of Dracula. As she crushes it between her hands, she tells it “Bye, Daddy.”
Later, in Los Angeles, 1974, a city of second chances, Quincy Harker wakes up in a Hollywood Hills house. Three women with fangs sit at the bottom of his bed, wine glasses filled with a red liquid in their hands. “Welcome to the club, Quincy Harker.”